No one wants it, but it's what I've got. And so I will give it.

Summary:

In which I learn the meaning and purpose of writing, and appreciate its role in my daily life.

Reflection:

As stated yesterday, yesterday was a day. And in that day, I made some headway. Going to snap pictures of the paper journal now. I put them at the bottom of this post.

Entry:

This morning I am going to write  a little bit. I always look back at my past and try to "get back to it". I can't go back, and to forge a better future, I need to focus on the future desires and what I can do in the present to bring that future state about.

So, I will write, and toward insight and clarity, every day.

As I go along, I will try to learn how to improve my writing, through any number of techniques and books/information.

It may be difficult work, but it should be enjoyable, not drudgery. This is my desire.

Chained to a desk, but by personal choice this time... what would I want to say? What would I want to have said?

When it comes to work, I know what it is. I do. And I don't like it. But I want to do it for the sake of writing. What is that sake? - What does it mean?

Well, for starters, it means an audience. Someone might read this. That makes the approach slightly different than if I knew no one was going to read it. But these are the things:

1. an audience.

And in an audience there is a person, a single person for which I would choose to write. 

Let me focus on that single person... what is their makeup? Who are they? What do they want, need, love, cherish, hate?

Wild and crazy.

My mind goes off in tangents, and I lose the line of the words. I will try to keep the line instead. I will try to keep the line.

There is much to do and see and be... these are the things - stick with them... over and over... and over.

Weight Loss, Reading, Writing and Exercise

I have been overweight for 18 years. Half of my life.

And it basically is because I stopped taking care of myself, stopped exercising, started eating copious amounts of unhealthy foods.

And now I am paying for it.

I have complex sleep apnea and high cholesterol, and I am tired all the time and aside from the normal feeling of not being proud of my body, the fact that I am overweight coupled with the sleep apnea is affecting my mood.

And that's not good.

Because I also have bipolar disorder. It's well controlled, and that is fine and good that it is being taken care of through medication and therapy, but now my weight is affecting my mood and could tip me toward depression or mania? Not good.

So, I am going to do something about it.

Before I found out that I have complex sleep apnea (I found that out today, by the way), I had already started Weight Watchers with my wife a couple of weeks ago.

But I wasn't taking it all that seriously, though I was trying to stick to the points.

Well, now I am going to take it more seriously.

Central/Complex sleep apnea may not be fixed through a breathing machine. Losing a drastic amount of weight, whether or not it is done quickly or over time, may be my best bet to get out from under this mood altering weight issue.

And exercise. That too is important. Something I am not really looking forward to, but also something that I know that I have to do. I have exercised in short bursts for a while in the past, but it has been another 18 years since I exercised intensely on the reg.

So what am I going to do?

1. I am going to eat copious amounts of vegetables and fruits while my stomach readjusts to being a normal size.
2. I am going to stay within my points on Weight Watchers, and not use up any weekly points.
3. I am going to exercise by walking or running at least 15,000 steps per day.
4. I am going to keep this journal, this log, this running commentary of what life is like on a diet, through weight loss, and how my health is actually doing.

A healthy blog.

And for the first time ever, I am not going to try to make any money from it.

I am just going to write, and put the writing out there, and let it go.

A gift. From me to you.

The Gift by Lewis Hyde - A book I just started, and will be reading at some point.

But I am not into reading right now.

Why am I not into reading?

Because I have discovered that I need to focus on one thing at a time in order to make any progress on anything. And that one thing that I am going to focus on right now, is weight loss.

I am a little against what I am actually doing right now, this writing while laying on my belly in the living room. I am against it because it is not exercising. But it is avoiding eating. That is almost as well as exercising.

I suppose that avoiding eating is as important as exercising. Both will do the same thing, which is result in reduced weight on the body.

I am not talking about avoiding eating to the point of anorexia, just avoiding stuffing my face when I am bored or stressed.

This writing will keep me interested in something other than eating. And so I will do it, and allow it to be done.

And I guess that is all I wanted to express at this time, just wanted to write something. Consider it done.

Overcoming Fear: The Only Way Out Is Through

How do you overcome that which you are afraid of?

How do you get past the fear of doing something or not doing something?

What does it matter what we are doing here or there?

What is the meaning of life?

So many questions.

So few answers.

"If I plug away at the same thing, everyday, all day, then eventually I will get somewhere."

Where do I want to get to?

I want to get to the point where this is self-sustaining.

I want to get to the point where I have nothing to do but to write and write away.

1. Blog.

2. Exercise.

3. Eat healthy.

4. Write.

5. Share.

Overcome the fear of lacking anonymity.

Overcome the fear of being seen as this or that.

Overcome the fear of anything and everything.

The only way to overcome fear is to just do that which you are afraid to do, or face and stand straight in front of that which you are afraid to face.

That is the only way out... through.

Start where you are. Bring yourself to the point where you can get through this present moment, then make your present moment temporarily painful, then realize that you will get through this as well.

Everything passes away with enough time, including each of us... More on that later.

But for now, let's just worry about overcoming the fear that we each may have.

Yours Truly

The Beginning

Here is where the story begins. Following the build up and growth of one individual over the course of time.

Not to get hung up on details. 

Not to be bogged down by extraneous feelings. 

Not to fear. 

But to learn and grow. 

To evolve. 

To document.

To perceive.

But most of all to show. 

To share. 

To encourage.

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Recommended reading:

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle