Summary:

In which I learn the meaning and purpose of writing, and appreciate its role in my daily life.

Reflection:

As stated yesterday, yesterday was a day. And in that day, I made some headway. Going to snap pictures of the paper journal now. I put them at the bottom of this post.

Entry:

This morning I am going to write a little bit. I always look back at my past and try to "get back to it". I can't go back, and to forge a better future, I need to focus on the future desires and what I can do in the present to bring that future state about.

So, I will write, and toward insight and clarity, every day.

As I go along, I will try to learn how to improve my writing, through any number of techniques and books/information.

It may be difficult work, but it should be enjoyable, not drudgery. This is my desire.

Chained to a desk, but by personal choice this time... what would I want to say? What would I want to have said?

When it comes to work, I know what it is. I do. And I don't like it. But I want to do it for the sake of writing. What is that sake? - What does it mean?

Well, for starters, it means an audience. Someone might read this. That makes the approach slightly different than if I knew no one was going to read it. But these are the things:

1. an audience.

And in an audience there is a person, a single person for which I would choose to write.

Let me focus on that single person... what is their makeup? Who are they? What do they want, need, love, cherish, hate?

Wild and crazy.

My mind goes off in tangents, and I lose the line of the words. I will try to keep the line instead. I will try to keep the line.

There is much to do and see and be... these are the things - stick with them... over and over... and over.

Feeling like I may never repeat any successes I've had in the past... I'll keep doing what I need and want to do... Like it never happened.

Like it never happened, each day returning to the work, starting fresh, doing what needs to be done.

A few words, one in front of the other, that is how I will get the work done.

And in the morning light, it will all become clear and true... I have time before work to write.

I have time after work to write... I could write a little at lunch time.

These are the things...the things indeed... all of them.

Now, here I go, and here I go.

What matters?

What makes a difference?

My mind was elsewhere there... so what do I do in those situations? I keep writing anyway... things I will have to edit out later. And I can do that.

But what I really want to do is get the words going through my head onto the page... or even bypass my head completely, and come straight from the universe.

This could happen. This could or could not be good.

I don't know who would or would want to read this... but I am going to continue to write it.

When it comes to ...

I want a vocation.

I want a calling.

I have it. I am not paid for it... and I may never be paid for it... but I will continue to do it... I will clearly continue to do it... this thing I will do... I will do... I will do and do and do.

No one wants it, but it's what I've got. And so I will give it.

Clearly, times have changed... there are things I need and want to do with my time and energy. There is really only one thing though, one thing I need and want to do....

Write - Now what shall I write about or write toward? The constant reader - who and what am I writing for?

Well, let's start with what I am writing for, the reason.

1. I can't stop writing, even if I wanted to. And I don't want to, you know, but I couldn't if I tried.

2. I want to be a successful writer - not for the money, not for the fame, but for two reasons:

2a. I want to have a positive impact on the world - at large and in my personal life.

2b. I want to quit my day job.

3. I write because I love to do it. Whether it makes sense or is useful or not, I really enjoy the physical and mental work of putting words to the page, whether analog or digital. I just enjoy it.

4. There is someone out there who will benefit from the words I write and share.

And so, I'll need to continue to do it.

What matters most?

The reasons that I write are myriad, but I put a few above, and that is sufficient for now. What am I going to write toward now? Constant push and move toward clarity - toward ultimate truths knowable through only introspection. Then share those truths as they are discovered.

This is the process.

I need to remember it. I need to write it down and reference it.

But I can hone it a little better and further, that is for sure... let's keep working on it, but in the paper journal.

Got that done. Now what?

The words continue to come, and the time continues to pass... I don't generally write fiction. I write toward insight... and there is a lot of nonsense around it. Is there a market for it?

I can't worry about that ... not now and not ever... and that I guess is the benefit of having a day job - I can write whatever I want.

I took time to do it, and I will continue to take time to write... this is what I do, this is what I am about.

What is the purpose of all of it? I don't really know... don't really know... gotta do gotta do.

There is still time this morning in my morning writing session. I'll be bouncing between a million things... and I guess this is just what it is... because I am so unfocused... or, I could be focused instead.

Start and finish one single writing project.... this morning journal/blog entry is critical today, but there may be times when I am working on something else entirely.

So much started, so much abandoned... I will find my niche, I will find my road, my path. I will get there.

I just need to keep working, to keep looking and moving forward.

I haven't reached insight or clarity yet... that's for sure... that's for sure... haven't gotten there yet... need and want to get there... want to get some coffee in me too... So I'll pause this for a moment.

I had gone aside and started my own website some time ago... it was okay. It was useful, I suppose. But I have since abandoned it, probably gave it up 2019,2020 sometime in there. It may have helped me get through COVID better... oh well.

Whatever, it's gone now, it's been gone, time to move on, mentally as well.

I can write in here just fine... just fine. Now what?

I don't know what else to write... maybe I just won't.... but no, I need to keep going. For myself, and for others.

I can't believe the time is so late already, i've been writing for an hour and it seems like 5 minutes. Literally 5 minutes... Well, time will be a warp in this endeavor... I may or may not ever say all I need or want or could say.

It is funny, I probably won't say all that I need to say before I die.

Get it in front of someone. See what happens. Or don't, really. I could just write for myself for the rest of my life. But I probably won't.

It's not about the thoughts or the thought process or the argument - it's about the process and mostly about insight and clarity - how can I get to those two things?

Or at least to one of them.

I need to write. And so I will write, and I will write in this blog, and continue to do so, until it is clear I need to write something different for a time, and then I will do that. I will do that indeed.

But for now, the directive is to write in the blog... and so I will do that.

I'm trying to keep my day job at bay, mentally, keeping the boundary up... this is what I want and need to do... perhaps I will disable the outlook on the phone thing... I really don't use it much... I am going to... I am going to disable/delete it. after I check the email, of course.

Now I'll keep going, I'll keep going because I can, because I will.

There is more to write, but I don't know exactly what all that is... what all that is... what all that is... I could continue to write, I could, and I probably will. These things.

First though, I had to turn off that music, it was getting annoying.

Now I am back in the pages... writing away.

I don't know what matters... actually, I do, and I can continue to know....

I need to write, and I want to write... and I don't know when or if I will ultimately write anything worth reading again, but I do know that the morning routine of writing is critical to my life... and perhaps even more than just writing in the morning... perhaps I will need and want to write more than that... I know I will, I just don't think that the writing I am doing right now will be that useful or beneficial to anyone but me... and even then, it would be a mild balm for my aching soul.

But this is what I have, and this is who I am, and this is where I am at... so, yes, let's continue to write here and there and everywhere.

I worry that there is nothing worthwhile that I have written, or worse, that I'll go to my grave without writing what I needed to write.

But I am confident that is not the case - I tried hard at creating the book that I had wanted to create after leaving the hospital, and while I came far short, I did print something up and have it here at my home.

So that has been beneficial.

Yeah... I'd like to get better at printing books. The ones I've printed definitely have an amateurish look and feel about them, at least on the pages side - the book itself and its cover is very nice, in my opinion.

So, I'll continue to continue... to pretend... there is always a moment in which I can, and will.

What matters now, what is the next set of words that needs to be written?

Tired. Sleepy. Didn't eat well yesterday, makes me tired today... slept a couple hours less last night, makes me tired today... late getting coffee in me, tired today.

I'm done trying to write the things I think I should write... I'll just write what I think - I'll be me... un-apologetically me. And that will be fine and good... I am uncomfortable now as I write, this, probably because I am so fat...I need to lose weight... but I'll continue to write, first and foremost.

This is my most important task, and it really falls to the point that I will need it to fall to that point... Do those things,,, the things, indeed.

Tired, out of shape, lazy... but still writing... yes, still writing... keep those words a flowing.

I will continue to write for a while this morning, and then I will shower and go to work... I am curious where my Bluetooth keyboard might be that would enable me to write on my phone... at work is probably best, just be in case I have a bunch of time I could write at my desk... but for now, this Chromebook will suffice, that's for sure.

And so I'll use it.

That's a lot of words up there, and I don't feel like I really got anywhere. Just older.

And that's okay, that's what it takes, that's where I'm at, that's what it is... the writing as the answer - it could be... it could not be too. But I'll at least pretend that it is.... for now.

And what could matter, as well? What could also make a difference, here and now?

My hands are tingling... death to nerves.

It's out of control... out of control... get rid of it... get rid of it, here and now,,, here and now.

That is my goal, that is what I must do... get rid of these diseases. Writing may actually help a little bit, we will see. That is all. I'm not done yet though.

There is more to see and be and do.. and I will do those things... There is a lot more, and a lot more and more.

I have a search for all of this... for all of this, indeed... these are the things.

And I can and will make them happen... such is the life, and the living of that life... make it so.

all of this is such as it is.

I want to write, and I will and do write, but I accept the fact that it may never go anywhere... I am going to spend my time on it anyway, for better or worse.

There is stuff to do - to do to do.