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Reflection:

Yesterday was tough. And I was the one who made it tough. It didn't have to be tough, I made it so. 

I don't want today to be tough. I want to make it easy... and worthwhile.

Entry:

Today I am starting to write again. It has been some time, especially since I wrote in here... Let me check how much time: December 11, 2024 - 76 days. I suppose that is some time. And before that I had been very sporadic as well with entries. In writing in here I am attempting to recapture, or rather capture again, that exercise I took years ago, in writing every day on a blog, attempting to reach insight and clarity every morning.

There is power and strength in writing that I forget about. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but TLDR rules the world. Collapsible articles. That stay collapsed until you click on them. This is interesting, an interesting idea.

What am I trying to accomplish this morning with this writing? What am I trying to say and do? What is my goal? What are my goals? At least my goals in writing... What are my writing goals?

To say what I mean. To be sure that what I mean is what I am trying to say. What? I don't know.

This morning writing is a bit of a struggle to get started, partly because I am censoring what I write a little bit, knowing it will go out on the web. But, I feel it is important to put it out there, it is a feeling behind which I am feeling accountable. Accountable to the interneters, who may never ever read a word of what I write, but that still hold me accountable for writing sensically and with passion and interest. 

So, what am I trying to say, here and now?

I can take speed to the writing, and get the words flowing quickly across the screen. There is freedom and power to that and I know it and know it well. I know I have to deal with a lot of nonsense when I do that, writing stream of consciousness down onto the page. But it is helpful and useful for me to do that and those things... 

I used a dip pen to do some drawings last night, that was funnish. I may do it again, but it wasn't as life altering as I hoped it would be. I am awake now, it is 515am. I woke up at 440. I am writing now, writing and writing.

What does it mean, this writing? What does it signify?

Graphomania, Hypergraphia... these are things, and I probably have them. What I write is mostly... 99%, nonsense. I suppose that is okay if the work that is produced, by producing it, makes me a better person. This is possible. This is interesting and it is what it is.

What matters then, is that I write. For writing makes me a better person... a better better person.

So, let's go after it - the dream - of being an artist, and not just an artist, a prolific artist. Don't turn away from what I am making. Don't curtail it, or make it such that it is not useful or meaningful.

I am interested in a cup of coffee this morning, and I am interested in smoking a cigarette. But I haven't smoked for 6 years, and so I won't have one. It would kill me.

Now, the things that I need and want to say, what are they?

Let me get a cup of coffee... maybe a snack.

Got both.

Now I'm back. What should I write about? What should I write about?

What all?

2018 wasn't just about writing in general, it was about digging for meaning - working toward a life strategy. Trying to find meaning. What now?

How will I dig again for that meaning, for that life strategy? I found it in a notebook, working toward it. What now, what of it?

Now what? What matters, here now and everywhere? I just don't know. Maybe writing isn't the main thing, maybe it's also something else - the "what" that I am writing for or toward. Let's jump into a few examples.

Writing lying down now, something I haven't done in a long time. It is acceptable. It is acceptable.

So again I feel lost, like I don't know how to do what I am actually trying to do with this writing. I just don't know. I just don't know what to do, how to write, what to write about... or if I should do something else, what that something is. I think that getting my morning started with writing is actually a pretty good thing to do... It actually might be useful.

I suppose I could look at other thoughts from 2018 and see if they are useful/helpful.

I have thought about writing books in the past, I have written a couple of very short books, and I have attempted to write larger books as well... fail. 

Change the language I am using in my self-talk. Not fail, just setbacks. Now, what is important for me to do, in this moment?

I don't exactly know, but I am pretty sure it is useful. I am getting tired now, writing on the floor... getting tired.

So, what all will matter here and now? What will make a difference, a positive difference, in and around my life? What all? I don't know... I don't rightly know.

Now what? What matters?

Now, I don't know... I just don't know. What makes the difference... these things. All of them. Make a difference.

10 mins of sleep... let it come.

Insight:

Search for the meaning and the joy.

Summary:

A little ramble... acceptable.