Weight Loss, Reading, Writing and Exercise

I have been overweight for 18 years. Half of my life.

And it basically is because I stopped taking care of myself, stopped exercising, started eating copious amounts of unhealthy foods.

And now I am paying for it.

I have complex sleep apnea and high cholesterol, and I am tired all the time and aside from the normal feeling of not being proud of my body, the fact that I am overweight coupled with the sleep apnea is affecting my mood.

And that's not good.

Because I also have bipolar disorder. It's well controlled, and that is fine and good that it is being taken care of through medication and therapy, but now my weight is affecting my mood and could tip me toward depression or mania? Not good.

So, I am going to do something about it.

Before I found out that I have complex sleep apnea (I found that out today, by the way), I had already started Weight Watchers with my wife a couple of weeks ago.

But I wasn't taking it all that seriously, though I was trying to stick to the points.

Well, now I am going to take it more seriously.

Central/Complex sleep apnea may not be fixed through a breathing machine. Losing a drastic amount of weight, whether or not it is done quickly or over time, may be my best bet to get out from under this mood altering weight issue.

And exercise. That too is important. Something I am not really looking forward to, but also something that I know that I have to do. I have exercised in short bursts for a while in the past, but it has been another 18 years since I exercised intensely on the reg.

So what am I going to do?

1. I am going to eat copious amounts of vegetables and fruits while my stomach readjusts to being a normal size.
2. I am going to stay within my points on Weight Watchers, and not use up any weekly points.
3. I am going to exercise by walking or running at least 15,000 steps per day.
4. I am going to keep this journal, this log, this running commentary of what life is like on a diet, through weight loss, and how my health is actually doing.

A healthy blog.

And for the first time ever, I am not going to try to make any money from it.

I am just going to write, and put the writing out there, and let it go.

A gift. From me to you.

The Gift by Lewis Hyde - A book I just started, and will be reading at some point.

But I am not into reading right now.

Why am I not into reading?

Because I have discovered that I need to focus on one thing at a time in order to make any progress on anything. And that one thing that I am going to focus on right now, is weight loss.

I am a little against what I am actually doing right now, this writing while laying on my belly in the living room. I am against it because it is not exercising. But it is avoiding eating. That is almost as well as exercising.

I suppose that avoiding eating is as important as exercising. Both will do the same thing, which is result in reduced weight on the body.

I am not talking about avoiding eating to the point of anorexia, just avoiding stuffing my face when I am bored or stressed.

This writing will keep me interested in something other than eating. And so I will do it, and allow it to be done.

And I guess that is all I wanted to express at this time, just wanted to write something. Consider it done.

Worry Less

I am talking about worry a little bit. I guess I am talking about the worry that we have before or when we make a decision, the worry that things won't turn out as we expect or hope.

But worrying doesn't do anyone any good.

What is necessary is that we look at things realistically. Having a realistic outlook helps us make informed and correct decisions. But does worry play into that at all? Does worry inform reality?

Worry is a form of fear based on what the future MAY hold. It is not certain that the future will hold anything, and we cannot predict the future any more than we can erase the past.

Something happened.

So be it.

Something may happen.

So be it.

What does worrying do for us?

I suppose it can help us to think of the negative consequences of our actions and decisions. It helps us to problem solve in the moment of action or decision.

But once the decision or action is carried out, is there any more use to worrying?

I think that kind of worrying only serves to bring us down.

So worry less.

Make more.

Share more.

Be more.

Be you.

Potential, the Future, Life, and the Art of Letting Go

I have been told during my life that I have a lot of potential.

In fact, most recently, a YouTuber told me I had "so much freaking potential."  I felt honored, and approved the comment even though it had landed in my spam box.

But what does it really mean to have potential?

How does it really impact your life to have potential?

For some reason, it reminds me of the black spot from Treasure Island, a summons to the grave.

Potential tries to define what MAY develop in the FUTURE.

However, I am trying to be concerned with what IS developing in the PRESENT.

When does potential become reality?

What does it take to make potential the actual reality?

How can we go beyond what is potentially identified and deliver something beyond what we thought possible?

What does the FUTURE hold? Who can possibly know? NO ONE.

I want to be able to completely think about the present, about what is going on right now, at this second, in this moment, and have it be the best it can possibly be.

I need to be attentive.

I need to be vigilant.

I need to be aware.

I need to focus.

I need to do so many things, but at the same time, I have to do nothing but live life, and let it be lived.

I need to be intense and relaxed at the same time. I have to do so many things.

What do I really have to do though? I have to merely be.

I have to merely allow myself to be and

enjoy and

share and

create.

So many things.

There isn't just one thing.

But there is just one thing.

LIFE.

I am enjoying life right now. I am letting the writing happen. I am enjoying the process of writing and relishing the idea of sharing it with the world. But that is the future.

I am a part of the present and the future at the same time.

Am I capable of letting go of the future, what may or may not be in store for me, and just live my life? Am I going to live in the present at this time right now, right here, as I work and live and breathe?

There is only one way for me to be myself completely, and that is to let it all hang out.

So if the potential and the future are all rolled into one thing, am I willing to give up that thing? Am I willing to give up what might be and live into what IS right now, at this very moment?

Am I willing to let my potential go, and just do the best that I can in all areas of my life?

Am I willing to reduce potential and the future to mere ideas and realize that right now, RIGHT NOW, is all I have to make anything different, whether past, present, or future.

RIGHT NOW, this MOMENT, this BREATH, THIS SECOND, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

IS

the only time that I can

change

be myself

live fully

be truly alive

be one with the universe

breathe completely and fully

learn something new

remember something old

embrace the present

diminish the past

forget the future

and live

my

fucking

life

like

I

deserve

to.


Now is all we have...

Don't waste it...

Do not be afraid.

We are all here.

But we can only do it now.

And if you get lost, get fucking found again.

It's time.

The time is now.

Let's do this thing.

Embrace the present, forget potential, hope for the future, let go, and live into the now.

I am alive.

Can you feel it?

I can.

I can feel you too.

Beat your heart out.

Go make something wonderful.

And share it.

R
I
G
H
T

N
O
W

:)