202502250558

Reflection:

Yesterday was tough. And I was the one who made it tough. It didn't have to be tough, I made it so. 

I don't want today to be tough. I want to make it easy... and worthwhile.

Entry:

Today I am starting to write again. It has been some time, especially since I wrote in here... Let me check how much time: December 11, 2024 - 76 days. I suppose that is some time. And before that I had been very sporadic as well with entries. In writing in here I am attempting to recapture, or rather capture again, that exercise I took years ago, in writing every day on a blog, attempting to reach insight and clarity every morning.

There is power and strength in writing that I forget about. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but TLDR rules the world. Collapsible articles. That stay collapsed until you click on them. This is interesting, an interesting idea.

What am I trying to accomplish this morning with this writing? What am I trying to say and do? What is my goal? What are my goals? At least my goals in writing... What are my writing goals?

To say what I mean. To be sure that what I mean is what I am trying to say. What? I don't know.

This morning writing is a bit of a struggle to get started, partly because I am censoring what I write a little bit, knowing it will go out on the web. But, I feel it is important to put it out there, it is a feeling behind which I am feeling accountable. Accountable to the interneters, who may never ever read a word of what I write, but that still hold me accountable for writing sensically and with passion and interest. 

No one wants it, but it's what I've got. And so I will give it.

Summary:

In which I learn the meaning and purpose of writing, and appreciate its role in my daily life.

Reflection:

As stated yesterday, yesterday was a day. And in that day, I made some headway. Going to snap pictures of the paper journal now. I put them at the bottom of this post.

Entry:

This morning I am going to write  a little bit. I always look back at my past and try to "get back to it". I can't go back, and to forge a better future, I need to focus on the future desires and what I can do in the present to bring that future state about.

So, I will write, and toward insight and clarity, every day.

As I go along, I will try to learn how to improve my writing, through any number of techniques and books/information.

It may be difficult work, but it should be enjoyable, not drudgery. This is my desire.

Chained to a desk, but by personal choice this time... what would I want to say? What would I want to have said?

When it comes to work, I know what it is. I do. And I don't like it. But I want to do it for the sake of writing. What is that sake? - What does it mean?

Well, for starters, it means an audience. Someone might read this. That makes the approach slightly different than if I knew no one was going to read it. But these are the things:

1. an audience.

And in an audience there is a person, a single person for which I would choose to write. 

Let me focus on that single person... what is their makeup? Who are they? What do they want, need, love, cherish, hate?

Wild and crazy.

My mind goes off in tangents, and I lose the line of the words. I will try to keep the line instead. I will try to keep the line.

There is much to do and see and be... these are the things - stick with them... over and over... and over.

202412102157

Reflection:

Today. was a day. and that's about all... found some clarity - searched and found some... that's for sure. Gotta get up and find the journal pages and take some pictures of them. But the main thing, the main take away is that I am going to write. I am a writer, so I am going to write. I was distracted by music, art, day job... but really, I am going to write.

Entry:

All of what happens and all of what matters comes over and through all of this... these are the things. Gotta get out... gotta get out get out get out. These things.

And now, and here, and there, these are the things. I don't want to ... I don't... and so I may or so I may not.

So much nonsense... and that is okay, that is what it is... what matters is that I write the words... that is what is important. That is what makes a difference... here there and everywhere.

////////////////

Now, here we are.

Insight:

1. Write.

Summary:

Became a writer again... no art, no music, just write... do that thing.

If there ever was a way, I'd find it.

Here.

As if I'd found a way.

In the midst of all of it.

Here and hiding in the middle of the street. I can't be found.

There I was and I am no longer in the midst of it, I can no longer be seen.

Come and find me.

Where were you going when you walked away, out through the door, away through the field into the night?

I didn't know then and I don't know now.

But it happened.

So much happens.

Over and over again, the same and different things, all crashing in, one upon another.

And the differences are such that there is always enough to be a part of it.

I didn't know what to make of any of it, and so I just continued to do what needed to be done. 

And that was all.

I'm going for it here. And why not? Why shouldn't I?

You know I will, and I will live forever doing it.

There may be places that this makes sense, and there may be places that this doesn't make sense.

I'll live in both places. Thanks.

Less is more.

Less is more.

Father and Daughter

C   F F   |   C    F F  (x2)

C

You can stay quiet if you want to

Em

I’m not going to pry

Am

Everyone has a right to silence

G

No one even needs to know why

But I just wanted to tell you

If you’re afraid you don’t need to be

‘Cause every little thing is gonna be alright

Even if it doesn’t seem to be

CHORUS

          F

Keep your eyes open darling

     C

Look to the sky tonight

     Am

With timing, a long view and an end game

F                           C    F F  |  C    F F (x2)

Everything….. is gonna be alright

C

You’ve had a hard go baby

Em

No one even knows how tough

      Am

‘Cept you and God and that’s enough honey

G

No one should have it that rough

Keep smiling when you can ‘cause it’s pretty

I’ll keep my pen in my hand as I write

Tell all the demons to shut the fuck up

As you get your head right tonight

Take the Long Way Around by Dave Brey

202401011205

Reflection:

Yesterday was new year's eve, 2023... now it is 2024. I don't know what to write more about yesterday, I have been trying to create some new neural pathways, concerning: reading, writing, exercising, eating well, housework, work work... these things are the things.... the things.

These are the things, all of them... all of what matters... all of what matters, these things.

Now what?

Entry:

I don't really know what to write here, and I am remembering that that is the way things were back when I was writing daily entries in 2018, the best year of my adult life... it was good, but was it great? Ack, don't look back with negativity. Look forward with positivity!

All of this, all of these things.

Now what?

Well, I am making a schedule, and making a schedule and a schedule... but again, the schedule doesn't really work for me: a prioritized list is best... is best... is best.

These are the things.

I have lists and lists upon lists of things to do.... I need a task list for home, and I already have a habits list for home and work, so now I just need a task list for home... what app could I use for that?

Ack, just use Google Tasks, that is sufficient. That is sufficient... all these things.

Now, what if anything at all... if anything at all.. if anything at alll... these things.

These things.

Now what will I think and do?

What will I think and do, here and now?

What?

I don't know... I just need a home prioritized list. Let's do that.

I know what I have to do: the checklist, the prioritized checklist, do those things do all of those things... do all of them... here and now, do them all... do them all.. so be it... so be it.

So be it. That's enough for today, the dog is annoying and barking.

Conclusion:

I must do what I must do.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for the time I am given.

Affirmations:

I can do this... I can do this.

202312310344

Reflection:

yesterday was my birthday, it was acceptable. I have decided a couple of things that I will get to later in this entry. I ate food from a diner and a barbeque place... both were good. Time to get back in the habit of making food at home.

Entry:

These things. What matters today, and what matters at all?

I need to write. I need to write and I need to read.

These are two things I can do that are passive and passive... and that is the thing of the thing.... get and stay busy.

Write a lot.

Read a lot.

Other things I need to do:

1. Walk 20,000 steps, 2. Sweat hard 20 minutes 3. Whole30 4. Read 5. Write.... but what about money?

What about money?

What can and should I do about money, eh?

What?

Keep it separate, for now... keep it separate... for now... keep it separate... these things that I want and need to do and share... all of them. All of these things. Do them each and all and all and each.

Now, what matters? What makes a difference?

How do I do it?

202312300540

Reflection:

test

Yesterday was a fine day, I spent some time doing nothing, reading, eating (lots of eating), reading, sleeping... very lazy day in fact. Could it then be considered actually a good day? No, it could not. I was not working toward my goals.

They are actually goals, not dreams... < 200 lbs, > $1 million net worth, career in writing. These things are right and necessary, and these are my goals, not my dreams.

I can accomplish each of them. These are the tasks I need to do, they are simple and straight forward:

< 200 lbs

    Exercise daily

    Eat well

> $1 million net worth

    Maximize earnings

    Maximize savings

    Invest

Career in writing

    Write daily

    Publish often

Entry:

Today, I don't know what I am going to write, but I am certain that writing is the goal.... is the best use of my time.... 

Read some inspirational writing, first thing in the morning.

Self-discipline is my first goal. my first goal.

I shall gather those books together and put them at the front of my shelves... but not until it is later in the day.

What are the tasks I must do in order to achieve my dreams?

Write. Daily.

What do I want to accomplish with my writing?

    Help people... be more specific. Help people to take action to live their best lives.

    create a career in writing. Carve out a career in writing what I want to write.

What do I love to write about?

Myself.

Is that going to be a successful and worthwhile use of my time?

I don't know... I don't know.

Conclusion:

Do what needs to be done.

Gratitude:

I am thankful for the opportunities I have to achieve my goals.

Affirmations:

I am capable of achieving my goals.

These things you try to understand:

Reflection:

I don't know where my morning went. Oh yeah, I wrote a bunch and didn't do much else... read, walk the dog, eat breakfast... that's about it... and I woke up at 4am.

Entry:

I am again writing in here, and I don't really know why or why. But I have to do it, and so I am. I tried to do chores, and I did get a few things done but then I was overcome by resistance and I stopped. Is it resistance to what I have to do? Is it resistance to obligations?

Live at work. Work at home.

Yeah, these things.

Little research into Leisure Sickness... an actual thing.

Right, so now.... now what?

I only really have to walk the dog morning, noon, afternoon, night... 4 walks a day is sufficient...and that will be okay... that will be okay... So now what?

What will I do with myself and my time?

I am finished making myself do shit. I am only going to do those things that I want to do... but I'll never live if I do only those things I want to do... so how do I... turn what I don't want to do into something I do want to do? How do I?

Time for some paper journaling.. paper journaling... these things... these things indeed.

202307030804

Reflection:

Yesterday was ok. Didn't really do much productive, and I don't know that I will do anything productive today either. But it is possible for me to try, to certainly try to do those things that are useful and worthwhile. Yesterday, again - didn't do much helpful or useful. Now, what will I do today?

Entry:

Today's entry then will begin by talking about all sorts of things... what I mean is, it is hard for me to focus on what I am trying to say.

There is so much nonsense within me, and I have to figure out how to get it all out of me. For whatever reason, I think posting this to the internet for other people to maybe never but maybe once stumble upon is a legitimate thing for me to do and be. and all of this.

These things come and these things go, what would it matter if any of it made any difference? For nothing does. But this is not true... I am tired, oh so tired, of fighting with myself. Better and more likely, and more betterer is it to ... 

Bend like the reed. Do what needs to be done with willingness and flexibility. Not even willingness is required, acceptance. These are the things I need to do and I accept them wholeheartedly.

I can make a few ideas come to life here:

1. what matters and what makes a difference - common questions I ask with no answers given.

My 3 Goals

My 3 goals are below:

1. Be Healthy
2. Be Constantly Learning and Creating
3. Be Wealthy

My 7 Actions

My 7 Actions are below:

1. Love
2. Exercise
3. Eat Right
4. Learn
5. Create
6. Save
7. Earn

Passion and the Pursuit of Meaning

What are you passionate about?

What means the most to you?

What makes you happy?

What drives you to search more and harder and longer for an answer to your question?

What is the meaning behind it all?

Is there some main theme that we can all be a part of?

Is there some main thought framework that weaves itself into the fabric of our lives, that we can then hang on?

If we run out of logic, will life still go on?

What is the most important thing?

How do we set our priorities?

More questions than answers.

In Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl shows that while meaning might change, man's search for it remains the same.

Now I must work at doing something worthwhile.

I must search for meaning.

I must work toward our shared meaning and worthwhile work.

202306240442

Reflection:

---

Yesterday - the first day I woke up early, at 4am, on purpose, in order to write and read at my leisure, time for self. I didn't get out of bed until 4:33, but that was alright. It made for a slightly better day than the days I have had before.

Entry:

---

Today is Saturday, June 24th, 2023. I'm not sure what I am going to write in here, but I am certain that it will be worth my time. I don't know if I will even get anywhere with this writing, but I am certain that it will be beneficial to me.

What to write, what to write.

Well, I have decided that I ... I don't remember what I decided.

Now, it is clear that I have to do something, and I don't know what.... but I want it to be writing.

Now - here it is, in conclusion, in seclusion, the things I want and need to do:

What do I want out of life?

To be able to do the things I want and like to do, all the time I want to.

I think this is an accurate statement, and that doing anything else is pulling me away from doing the things I actually want and like to do:

What do I want and like to do?

The things I want and like to do are as follows, I suppose:

1. Write - I don't really know why, but writing is my favorite thing to do. I have thought about and tried to make money from writing many times in the past, but I am giving that up. I am losing the thought of trying to make money from any of my creative endeavors, I will just do those things as much and as often as I possibly can. This is a good place to start. I love to write. I absolutely love to write. Problems arise when I experience self-loathing, which generally only comes from music and maybe a little bit from art. Writing, I couldn't care less about the outcome, as can be shown from this blog post, and any other you might read on here - it's not for you, it's for me.

2. Music - It will always be a part of my life. Listening to music, whether on purpose or in the background - usually just in the background, has been a habit all my life, and I know it is not going anywhere.... Playing guitar has been a part of my life since 1992... fuck, that's 30+ years. A long time. Singing is very enjoyable to me, but I have so many voice cracks these days - probably some sort of serious or not so serious throat problem... maybe serious. Two problems with music - 1. I don't practice 2. Sometimes, most often a little bit every time, I get self-loathing while I am playing - hating to play a certain song... hating it. I can't avoid that, it just comes naturally. So, what can I do instead? What can I do to make sure I don't... I don't... I don't... Losing the train of thought here.

3. Doodling - I like to doodle. That's about it... I like to share on Instagram, in order to get the jolt of dopamine from the clicks and likes and comments, etc. I say that isn't healthy, and maybe it isn't. Or maybe it is... I just don't know... I just don't know. Either way... what should I do? Should I post to instagram, or should I just wallow in my hole?

Post to Instagram. Post videos to YouTube, share on Bandcamp, Well, that will take time and energy not devoted to writing, drawing, playing music... these things are acceptable... I am all over the interwebs, and all over the place by being on the interwebs... so I need to focus in and get things lined up... get things all in one place.

Make a list of internetty things that I need and want to do to get my act together... to get things straightened out... to get things... going.

Well, I started a list at least, I can keep going as I want to later.

I want to organize the house as well... I want to, I need to, these things.

So, I'll just get started on what needs to be done... I can spend the early mornings doing these activities, getting the writing done, the writing, the music, the art... the internetty things... maybe read occassionally.

Got to get my mind right.

How do I do that?

I have no idea.

But there are some principles I can live and work from:

Some I can define on my own, but most should come from the bible, and I don't say that because I am a christian but rather just an observant human, knowing that living by the virtues recommended by ancient scriptures have helped people live a beneficial life... but I guess all life experiences are different, and many people who adhered to religious texts have lived terrible lives... maybe their inner life was not bad... I don't know. I just don't know. Whatever.

Take the principles from the bible, start there at least. Maybe some other ancient texts would help as well.. I don't think meditation is for me, too much sitting, I do enough sitting anyway - this writing is kind of my meditation, although it is exactly the opposite of meditation because it is thinking, thinking on the page.

Getting my mind right, back to that... focus the ideas, focus the outcomes.

Spending the morning time well:  Write... it really doesn't matter what I write, just that I do it. I think that is accurate, I think that is meaningful.

Write... and get the shit out of my mind - I won't be... I won't be making money or gathering praise from these creations, I make things because that is what I like to do... break the dopamine addiction from sharing the creations... I make alone, and I know I should and will publish, but I have to balance out that focus with the reality that none of the publicness is what I am doing it for, but I need to share the good with the world.

None of it matters... nothing matters.

I will create, and I will create... I will create and I will create.

The early morning time will be for pure creation, reflection, writing, reading, etc.

The data driven analysis and dopamine hitting will be for after dinner. Sit down with a laptop and ... yeah, and. 

So, this early morning time is about creating. It is about creating.

And so, I am creating right now... I know I will need to share, and that sharing and the results from that sharing take over the amount of creative time I have and use.

But that is acceptable - just do what needs to be done - write, create art, create music. These things. These things indeed.

All of it, all of it matters, all of it matters a lot... these are the things.. the things. And all of it matters and makes a difference. All of it does.

Stark difference from "nothing matters" above. 

Whatever, I can write nonsense as often as I need and want to, and that is all acceptable. It is all acceptable indeed, these things, this writing, this art, this... all of it.

And so, and so... write read create play music... there's no formula or balancing act I need to take or use... I just spend the time, 4am-6am on work days, 4am until the family wakes up on weekends, minus dog time of course.

All of it... all of it, here and now.

These things.

So, I will write, I will write... and now, I am done writing and will move on.

Until next time.

Conclusion:

---

Creating is the best use of my time, and I need to make and take time for it.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for clarity around the priorities within my life - make things is first... this makes me feel good, and so I should do it.

Affirmations:

---

I am capable of making the changes I want to see in my life.

Nonsense, peaking, and the pull of yesteryear

 And all of this... what matters and what makes a difference. Yes, what does matter, what does make a difference? I couldn't quite tell you.. these things... all of these things.

And now. now indeed. What matters at this point in my life? There are so many things that I do and have done and will do and need to do.

And none of them.... none of them have been fulfilling. But this is not true, because writing, writing directly in and on here, has been a benefit, has been a purpose and a benefit indeed. These things are the start and finish of it all. What matters  has come before and will go after... all of these things. A full screen now. This is what it is.

So, I have diabetes. This sucks. More than sucks, means I have taken terrible care of my health and my body. And I just ate ice cream. Better not to beat myself up? Well, I don't know about that.

Seeing myself as the enemy of myself makes me wear out and miserable. Deciding instead to do what must be done... what would that be? What is the meaning of all of it?

What matters? What makes a difference? What is the meaning?

I don't really know... I really don't know. But that is okay. Okay I suppose... these things. And how I go about these things.... the dog, the dog yes, the dog.

And what matters is what makes a difference, these things are all there is and all there was... it makes no difference, it makes and takes a feeling and an understanding. Where is my mind at these days? It is mostly trying to get the shit out of my head... shake loose the cobwebs, and allow thoughts to flow freely from my mind to the page.

But before I can do that, I need to get rid of the bullshit. This is the bullshit, right here, on this page. 

It is worthless junk pulled from a mind unused to itself and the rest of the world. It is a pile of nonsense flitted through the world in and out of all of it... these things. 

I am icing my back at 230 in the morning writing in here, with the dog asleep on the back porch. That is good, but this is not. One is good but the other is not good. Good and not good, two sides of the same coin... could be seen as the good one is not good and the not good one is good, depending on how I look at and anticipate the future of the situation.

Well now, what do we have here? What am I going to write about now? what makes sense mostly to write about? What is the most worthwhile?

Well, I rarely know what the most worthwhile thing is, but I can certainly write about one or two worthwhile things --> but I am not ready yet. Not yet. I am getting closer to sensical writing, but I am not there yet. I am certainly not there yet. 

And so I will continue meandering and wandering and wondering about and through my mind... through all the nooks and crannies, through and over the rivers and ocean tides of thought... between and over all of it... these are the things.

And now... and now. What and how?

Memories... ah, memories. A terrible way to live out the days of my life. And so, I will make some more and different memories, these things, these things indeed.

And now. Now now now... what matters? What makes a difference here there or everywhere? I really don't know. I really don't know at all. These things are what matter, these things are what makes a difference. And all of it is moving toward something, I suppose. I suppose in the end it is all moving toward something. I am writing my mind out, typing the words and thoughts onto the page, hoping that it will stick and make some sort of difference in and around my life... but what I really mean is, that I hope it will NOT stick, that it will slough off all the bullshit that has clogged my brain for months and years. 

It has been 5 years since the best year of my adult life. Did I peak then? I don't think so, I just think I got off track. 2018 was the year. 2023 could be better... 2023 will in fact be better, will be the best year of my life. And now, it is clear that all of this is what it is for the better and best. and now... And now, indeed.

I am getting a little sleep now. To be expected after having cheese and a large bowl of ice cream, plus it being 242 am in the morning even.

Well, I suppose I shall go back to sleep, but on the couch, and these things will be with and for me... all these things together. And all of them together... I want to be writing more and getting out all of the nonsense, but I must get back to sleep, I must go and tend to the necessities...

Until next time.

Last for the night.

 I drew first blood, I started the pages... I led my way forward and I made the difference in and of all of the things that were and could be. 

The writing makes me sane, by pouring out insanity onto the page, I am left with a mind of reason and intellect. What? I don't know.

But maybe it does make a little sense. Perhaps it does, in its own little way. A perverse kind of sensicalness. These things that sneak up on us out of nowhere, these items that fall away and full release and show the difference of all these things. And all we are trying to say and do... I am large... especially in the belly... and that means I can easily have a heart attack, or a stroke... anything... I could be laid down to rest any day now... but I know what I must do. I know what I must do now... I must... I must... fight against my poor habits, create new and better ones.

This is a beginning - to write daily, to get some words on the page, maybe not toward anything, but just in general, getting words down on the page... these are the things... the things indeed.

The words begin to flow

 Well, I am going to write in here a lot in a minute, but I have to get myself more comfortable... must, and need to eat something too...

Good for now

 Well, this is what it is now... these are the words that I am writing... why did I try to make it something other than what it was? Simply a way to clarify and convey my thoughts.

And what I mean is, why did I try to always level up the blog? It didn't need to change at all... maybe get a dedicated url but other than that, there really was no need for all the attempts at monetization.

And I started to pay money to publish, started to host webpage here and there, paying for hosting... these things.

What makes a difference now?

I don't really know, and I'm not really sure that what I am trying to do will actually be able to be done here.

"These are the things that make a difference in my life: I don't know what."

Let's see how the quote actually looks. 

It looks fine... and these and those and all of this looks just fine. I only need a little time to write what it is all about... and that has come and gone... now I am with what I am with... and these things are acceptable.

It is all nonsense, all of this writing, all of this time spent writing and writing nothing that is good or worthwhile... all of it is as it should and is to be... 

good for now... good for now.