Reflection:
Yesterday - the first day I woke up early, at 4am, on purpose, in order to write and read at my leisure, time for self. I didn't get out of bed until 4:33, but that was alright. It made for a slightly better day than the days I have had before.
Entry:
Today is Saturday, June 24th, 2023. I'm not sure what I am going to write in here, but I am certain that it will be worth my time. I don't know if I will even get anywhere with this writing, but I am certain that it will be beneficial to me.
What to write, what to write.
Well, I have decided that I ... I don't remember what I decided.
Now, it is clear that I have to do something, and I don't know what.... but I want it to be writing.
Now - here it is, in conclusion, in seclusion, the things I want and need to do:
What do I want out of life?
To be able to do the things I want and like to do, all the time I want to.
I think this is an accurate statement, and that doing anything else is pulling me away from doing the things I actually want and like to do:
What do I want and like to do?
The things I want and like to do are as follows, I suppose:
1. Write - I don't really know why, but writing is my favorite thing to do. I have thought about and tried to make money from writing many times in the past, but I am giving that up. I am losing the thought of trying to make money from any of my creative endeavors, I will just do those things as much and as often as I possibly can. This is a good place to start. I love to write. I absolutely love to write. Problems arise when I experience self-loathing, which generally only comes from music and maybe a little bit from art. Writing, I couldn't care less about the outcome, as can be shown from this blog post, and any other you might read on here - it's not for you, it's for me.
2. Music - It will always be a part of my life. Listening to music, whether on purpose or in the background - usually just in the background, has been a habit all my life, and I know it is not going anywhere.... Playing guitar has been a part of my life since 1992... fuck, that's 30+ years. A long time. Singing is very enjoyable to me, but I have so many voice cracks these days - probably some sort of serious or not so serious throat problem... maybe serious. Two problems with music - 1. I don't practice 2. Sometimes, most often a little bit every time, I get self-loathing while I am playing - hating to play a certain song... hating it. I can't avoid that, it just comes naturally. So, what can I do instead? What can I do to make sure I don't... I don't... I don't... Losing the train of thought here.
3. Doodling - I like to doodle. That's about it... I like to share on Instagram, in order to get the jolt of dopamine from the clicks and likes and comments, etc. I say that isn't healthy, and maybe it isn't. Or maybe it is... I just don't know... I just don't know. Either way... what should I do? Should I post to instagram, or should I just wallow in my hole?
Post to Instagram. Post videos to YouTube, share on Bandcamp, Well, that will take time and energy not devoted to writing, drawing, playing music... these things are acceptable... I am all over the interwebs, and all over the place by being on the interwebs... so I need to focus in and get things lined up... get things all in one place.
Make a list of internetty things that I need and want to do to get my act together... to get things straightened out... to get things... going.
Well, I started a list at least, I can keep going as I want to later.
I want to organize the house as well... I want to, I need to, these things.
So, I'll just get started on what needs to be done... I can spend the early mornings doing these activities, getting the writing done, the writing, the music, the art... the internetty things... maybe read occassionally.
Got to get my mind right.
How do I do that?
I have no idea.
But there are some principles I can live and work from:
Some I can define on my own, but most should come from the bible, and I don't say that because I am a christian but rather just an observant human, knowing that living by the virtues recommended by ancient scriptures have helped people live a beneficial life... but I guess all life experiences are different, and many people who adhered to religious texts have lived terrible lives... maybe their inner life was not bad... I don't know. I just don't know. Whatever.
Take the principles from the bible, start there at least. Maybe some other ancient texts would help as well.. I don't think meditation is for me, too much sitting, I do enough sitting anyway - this writing is kind of my meditation, although it is exactly the opposite of meditation because it is thinking, thinking on the page.
Getting my mind right, back to that... focus the ideas, focus the outcomes.
Spending the morning time well: Write... it really doesn't matter what I write, just that I do it. I think that is accurate, I think that is meaningful.
Write... and get the shit out of my mind - I won't be... I won't be making money or gathering praise from these creations, I make things because that is what I like to do... break the dopamine addiction from sharing the creations... I make alone, and I know I should and will publish, but I have to balance out that focus with the reality that none of the publicness is what I am doing it for, but I need to share the good with the world.
None of it matters... nothing matters.
I will create, and I will create... I will create and I will create.
The early morning time will be for pure creation, reflection, writing, reading, etc.
The data driven analysis and dopamine hitting will be for after dinner. Sit down with a laptop and ... yeah, and.
So, this early morning time is about creating. It is about creating.
And so, I am creating right now... I know I will need to share, and that sharing and the results from that sharing take over the amount of creative time I have and use.
But that is acceptable - just do what needs to be done - write, create art, create music. These things. These things indeed.
All of it, all of it matters, all of it matters a lot... these are the things.. the things. And all of it matters and makes a difference. All of it does.
Stark difference from "nothing matters" above.
Whatever, I can write nonsense as often as I need and want to, and that is all acceptable. It is all acceptable indeed, these things, this writing, this art, this... all of it.
And so, and so... write read create play music... there's no formula or balancing act I need to take or use... I just spend the time, 4am-6am on work days, 4am until the family wakes up on weekends, minus dog time of course.
All of it... all of it, here and now.
These things.
So, I will write, I will write... and now, I am done writing and will move on.
Until next time.
Conclusion:
Creating is the best use of my time, and I need to make and take time for it.
Gratitude:
Affirmations:
I am capable of making the changes I want to see in my life.
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