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Reflection:

Yesterday was ok. Didn't really do much productive, and I don't know that I will do anything productive today either. But it is possible for me to try, to certainly try to do those things that are useful and worthwhile. Yesterday, again - didn't do much helpful or useful. Now, what will I do today?

Entry:

Today's entry then will begin by talking about all sorts of things... what I mean is, it is hard for me to focus on what I am trying to say.

There is so much nonsense within me, and I have to figure out how to get it all out of me. For whatever reason, I think posting this to the internet for other people to maybe never but maybe once stumble upon is a legitimate thing for me to do and be. and all of this.

These things come and these things go, what would it matter if any of it made any difference? For nothing does. But this is not true... I am tired, oh so tired, of fighting with myself. Better and more likely, and more betterer is it to ... 

Bend like the reed. Do what needs to be done with willingness and flexibility. Not even willingness is required, acceptance. These are the things I need to do and I accept them wholeheartedly.

I can make a few ideas come to life here:

1. what matters and what makes a difference - common questions I ask with no answers given.

Starting again, here is where I am and what I want to do.... -- >

There is no time, as in, time does not exist for me... there is no time that exists for me here there or anywhere else... at all... these things at all... all of these things are all that I can say do see or be... what matters.... what matters at all... hmmm?

And all of this matters... but what makes a difference? What is going to make the difference in this morning melieu?

I don't even know what that word means.... yes I do.

Anyway.

This entry is garbage, but it is necessary for me to get these words out so that I can... get them out.

Now I don't even know what to do with myself or my time.

I want to get these words out so that I can move on with my day, but I have not been successful with that so far this morning... what do I need to do to get these words out?

Let's try the belly I guess. And here we are... I'm not really sure if this is going to help any. In fact I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.. and I didn't even eat anything yet this morning.

How am I going to get to a point where I am ready to face the day?

Maybe I just face it even if I'm not ready - but that would be going against my desires to stop fighting myself and my tendencies and my being... just be who I am.

Just watched a video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKQxFqeEVA4

It was interesting.

I want to stop fighting myself, and I know I am capable of doing that... I know it of myself and I understand it completely. It is just hard to remember to stop fighting when I am living my life. Surrender. Accept. Stop fighting. Bend. Be flexible. Trust life. All of these things are helpful, but no single one of them points to the action or activity that needs to happen each moment I begin to resist what is, who I am, what is happening, etc.

I must instead... no...

I must do nothing. 

I am who I am... I forced myself to pick music in that previous job hunting thing. 

I want to do things, I want to do all these things, and yet, I generally do not... There is resistance within me, and my main goal, my main main goal... the thing I should focus on entirely is eliminating resistance. Eliminate resistance... these things.

Accept. Surrender. Eliminate resistance. These things speak to it but don't speak it. What is it that I need to do?

Wu wei? doing without doing? effortless action?

These things are accurate, these things are what needs to be done... and all of it is now, all of it is here and now. Damn the torpedos. Damn the resistance. If I do not want to fight someone or something, am I American? Am I a part of the Western world? Who the fuck knows?

I know I am not interested in fighting, and I am done fighting anything, I am giving in... not giving up... well, maybe I am giving up. I am depressed and despondent about that, but It is really just a death of my ego. Is that really what it is? Yes, that is what it is.

Thinking I can live my best life by forcing it on the world... really, I just need to surrender. Another good word, but not accurate. 

Give up entirely. Give in to reality. Surrender. Give up. Accept what is. These are not the things.

I cannot apprehend what it is that I need and want to do, but it has to do with surrender, acceptance, giving in, giving up, letting go. These all talk around it. But what is it?

I don't think it can be put into words.

I am done with Force, Fighting, Determination.... all the western ideals, I am finished with. They may even be eastern ideals as well, I don't know. Worldly ideals... what matters?

Force... speed, fuck it all.

Just do what I need and want to do. And I don't know what that is. So, just do the next thing.

And now, and now, at long last, I am finally at a point where I can move on with my day. The time it took takes the time it takes.

Now, I can move on. It wasn't possible before. This is now the time and energy I have to do the work that is desired and required of me... do those things - but leave a space for me to come back to this.... 2 hours. 2 hours later... not really that bad, not that bad of an investment to get to the point where I am clear. Clean and clear. 

Clean and clear.

Until next time.

Conclusion:

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Gratitude:

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Affirmations:

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