Holding Back, Fear, Sharing, and Risk

I am going to try to write online instead of in my journals as much as possible.

What that is going to mean for you, the reader, is that there will be a decent amount of nonsense in the content. I will try to edit out as much of it as possible, but it will still come through.

What else that will mean for you, the reader, is that there will be more: much more writing, much more art, much more sharing and posting... If I can overcome the fear. If I can fear less.

The more I write online, the more I will share, because I will be bypassing a secondary filter I had established by putting my innermost thoughts in the physical pen and paper journal, as opposed to online.

I find that writing sessions come in fits and starts. But really, once I get started, the writing flows.

So, the more often I am able to put together a string of writing sessions, the better.

In some ways I have been holding back in my online writing. I have been afraid to be my complete self online in my writing. Why is that?

Well, there are many reasons.

I am afraid....

I will say something I don't mean
I will say something incorrect
I will make a mistake
I will share too much of myself
I will offend someone
I will limit myself
I won't know when to stop
I will get caught up in drama
I will get caught up in comments
I will get caught up in general
I won't make the time to create
I won't recover
I will be laughed at

These are some of my fears. Not all of them, but some of them.

But I have realized that I need to push past my fears and embrace who I naturally am. I need to be okay with who I am, faults, foibles and all, and get on doing the work I am destined to do.

I feel I am determined and destined to write as much as possible about myself and my life. I want to share myself with others. I want others to be able to learn something from my life. And the only way that others can learn from my life is if I share myself completely.

Do I know who I am completely enough to share myself fully? Probably not. So we will learn and grow together.

As you move through this journey of life, so will I, and we will hopefully share things with each other that prove to be useful and fruitful.

I am a frightened and scared individual, so afraid to make a mistake, that I take hardly any risk.

Well, this is the risk I am taking, to share that I am a frightened person, scared to take a risk. Perhaps I will take more risks as time moves along, and as I learn and grow as an individual.

For example...

I am afraid to quit smoking because I don't remember how I got along without cigarettes before I started smoking. I think I enjoyed my life a little more without cigarettes, but I really don't remember.

The only way I will be able to confirm that I enjoy life without cigarettes more than life with cigarettes, is to live a life without cigarettes. I must commit to that.

But I am afraid. I am afraid I will not be able to cope with the day if I don't have cigarettes to help get me through.

That is something I need to face, and that fear in particular is one I need to overcome.

I have taken the risk. There is a lot for me to learn. There is a lot that I am still learning. But mostly, I am still afraid. But I am taking action against my fears, trying to do and be better as I go along.

I can learn much by creating and sharing. I can learn about myself and about my own fears and issues surrounding fear.

Do we ever really avoid or eliminate the fear?

I am afraid. You might be afraid too. It is okay. We can be afraid together. And maybe we can figure out how to become courageous together as well.

The road to success is paved with potholes. Sometimes you miss them, sometimes you hit them. Either way, keep moving forward, keep traveling down that road.

Don't hold back.

Be fearless.

Share yourself.

Take the risk.

Enter the fray.

Start today.

This is where it all began.

This is where I began to be myself.

Completely and totally myself. Without care or worry of repercussions.

I am interested in becoming myself completely. I am interested in being myself completely.

And the funny thing is, I am succeeding.

I just want to create, I just want to make something all my own, on my own, for no real reason other than I can, and I need to express myself.

So now I am writing this, and I am trying to summon the feeling of being inspired to create something new. The feeling is there, that is for sure.

Inspiration comes to those who don't wait for it.

So where am I heading? What is my end game result that I am looking for?

I can do almost anything. I have the ability. But the only thing I want to do is to make stuff and share it. That is what I want to do with my life. Make things and share them. By being myself, by sharing my essence with the world I am able to even more fully become myself.

It is all a matter of three ingredients: time, energy, and focus. I have plenty of all three, enough to make something magical happen in my life.

It is really just a matter of time until I achieve my goals. I know what I want and I am starting to make it happen. It may take a long time, in fact it may take forever, but I have forever to wait if necessary, to allow myself to be completely and totally myself in all situations and interactions.

I have to not be afraid. I have to be courageous.

It is an important step for me to know that being myself is acceptable. Being myself is okay. Being myself is desired. Being myself is the only way I will be able to learn and let the right things go, and hold on to those which I cherish.

I know what to do.

I know how to do it.

I know what to think and be.

Myself.

My own version of my own person.

But this is where it starts. This is the beginning.

This is where it all began.

Where did it start for you?

Where were you when you started to bloom?

Do you remember? Can you remember where and when it all began for you?

"You Can't Get Out Backwards"

"Oh, you can't get out backwards. Gotta go forwards to go back. Better press on." - Willy Wonka

The Secret of Change: Some Words of Encouragement

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." - Dan Millman (Socrates)

Do you want to change? Must you change? Focus then. Not on the past, but on the present and your dream of the future. Focus singularly on the tasks you have before you that will build the stepping stones to get you to where you want to be.

Keep doing that which makes you different. Not different from others, but different from the old you, different from who you used to be in the past, who you no longer are.

Keep building on the new you. Keep forging forward in the face of the onslaught of pressure to keep the status quo. There is no same, there is always a difference, and you are it.

Become that which you want to be. Embrace the changes that come with all the energy you expend on being who you truly are.

Do not look back. Move forward. Step sure-footed in the direction of your destiny. You may misstep, but you will learn from your mistake and correct your path.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Ghandi

Embody change. Become a changeling. Become a change ninja, able to adapt with the shifting of the wind, able to overcome your own limitations.

Embrace the new. Reach out and touch the future through the present. You are here, and now is the time. NOW is the time!

"One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up, instead of what they have to gain." - Rick Godwin

What will change bring? Differences. Variety. Spice. Something new. Something unexpected.

Are you ready for change?

How can you ever be prepared for actions whose results you cannot predict?

Just be ready to be ready. Because change is coming. And you are going to bring it. You are going to bring the house.

So build the new. Build what you need to build. Make what you need to make. No one else is coming along to do it for you. It all lies with you.

"When we break, we'll wait for our miracle, God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life." - Jeff Mangum

Become the person you were born to be. Only you know who that is. Only you get to decide who you are. Make and become that person.

You are a winner. You are a changeling.  You are the sum and more of all your internal changes, and you are getting ready to explode into full bloom. Be there for your show, as you display the new you.

The secret of change is not a secret at all. Go out and make the changes you need to make. Become the person you are meant to be, whoever that might be.

Who I Am and What I Am About

Inspired by a question I was recently asked to define myself, and by Mighty Oak Barbell's video, I have decided to delimit and describe who I am, and what I am about. The word delimit is used on purpose, because I have thought through most of my life, that by defining myself, I would be limiting any possibilities. Choosing one path prevents us from walking another. And so many times, I have not decided on a path to take, and yet, that is choosing a path as well. And who is to say we can't alter or change our direction once we have made a decision in life? It is a learning and growing process. This is...

Who I Am and What I Am About

My name is Dave Brey and I have lived for almost thirty-six years. I have seen, done, learned and forgotten millions of things. I have created new synapses and killed brain cells. I have formed new habits and held onto old ones. I have learned about myself and about others through trial and error, and through it all there has always been a pen, and there has always been paper.

There may have been computers and typewriters and keyboards and laptops and all sorts of writing technology, but even still, through it all there has been pen and paper. 

Pens I get from the dollar store. Most paper I get from Staples. 

So what meaning does the pen and paper give to my life?

Writing with pen and paper allows me to express myself. It allows me to jot down my thoughts and get better at thinking by creating a connection between the mental idea and the physical written words. So am I an author? I have written a book, so maybe I am. But certainly, I am a writer. I have twenty notebooks, a hundred and fifty blog posts and umpteen half-finished electronically written ideas and journal entries.

Do I get paid to write? I have been paid to write, and been paid by my writing, but I don't make a living at it. Even so, I am certain that I am a writer.

I am a reader. I like to read many things, though lately I am on a non-fiction kick. Reading helps to inform my way of thinking, expands my universe, and allows me to travel the world from the comfort of my home. I love to share what I am reading and have read with others, and to hear from them what they are reading also.

I also play guitar. I sing. I love to make music, by playing someone else's songs or creating my own. So, I am a musician. I am not as skilled as I would like to be, but I am light years ahead of where I started. I don't know the ins and outs of music theory or the fret board, but I am a musician. It is certain.

Do I make money from my musical endeavors? I do not, but I have in the past, and could potentially again in the future. But I don't make my living through music. However, that makes me no less of a musician.

I am passionate about reading, writing and playing music; reading books I find interesting or someone has recommended to me, writing thoughts, poems and prose, and covering or writing original music. That is what I do with all my free time.

So, who am I? I am a writer, a reader, and a musician.

What am I about? I am about learning on this journey of life. I am about developing my sense of self as I move through life. I am about trying to become a better and more well-rounded reader, writer, and musician. These are the things that I am about.

Now, what do I do? For a living? Something completely different. 

Ultimately, I would like to make what I am and what I am about what I do; to marry the three areas together is a lifetime goal of mine. And I am making progress. That is true. I am making progress. But it is slow going. So I will continue to do what I do in order to provide for my family, lifestyle, and for my passions. 

So, let's sum it all up again.

Who am I?

What am I about?

I am Dave Brey, a writer, reader and musician, passionate about creating writing and music that helps others through this journey of life.

That is who I am, and that is what I am about.

Live

Warts and All

Recommended listening:

The Deep Vibration Vera Cruz EP



Another chance to make something new. Another chance to write about something that I care about.

I have all the time in the world, but yet I have no time. I have no time, I have so much time.

I am full of contradictions.

I want to make a living as a creative artist. I want to do well at the company.

I want so many things, I want so little.

I need so many things, I need so little.

So why is it that I am continually banging my head against the wall, and why am I constantly able to push boundaries?

What am I actually thinking right now?

I am looking for a distraction. Something, anything, to take me away from the now, when in fact, what I want to be doing right now, and what I AM doing right now, is what I want to be doing now and forever.

So why am I searching for a distraction? Out of habit. I am searching for a distraction, because that is what I do. I don't focus, I don't bear down, I don't lean in when the going gets tough, I go and do something else.

That is the beauty and the hardship of life. Where your focus is, there is where you make progress. What you choose to allow yourself to do fully, that is what you make progress on.

Flow. A lot has been talked about the word FLOW over the past few years. Flow is a state in which one allows oneself to be completely consumed by what one is doing. So many ones. Just let it go.

Now, if I were to let myself be completely consumed by the fact that I am writing right now, it would make sense, and it would be in line with what I actually want for myself.

A distraction. A dichotomy. Something other than what I wanted to be working on, some other distraction popped up and I tended to it. My start menu is full of distractions. My mind is full of distractions. But I am still here, I am still writing, however stifled and stilted and nonsensical that it may be. That is all okay.

What then do I want to write about and be involved in? What then do I want to focus my time on? What, ultimately, do I want to do and be?

I have told myself for years that I want to be a writer, and yet I don't post anything with any regularity. True, I do write nearly every day, but not anything that I share.

And so I am going to share this, warts and all, and allow it to be, out there in the ether.

So, in the idea of letting something out there into the world, warts and all, what am I learning? I am learning that perfection is not the goal. Action is the goal: taking repeated focused action.

There is so much to write about, I can barely begin. Barely. But then I do, then I do begin, and I get started, get started on what I am trying to write about, get started on writing about something wonderful and useless and over.

I have a dream that I am a writer, full time, and that all I have to do is put the words in order as they come out of my mind, but my mind doesn't let the thoughts come in order, and it is all jumbled and all makes little sense.

That isn't a dream at all, it is reality.

"All the stars shine like gold up in the sky."
                 - Matt Campbell of The Deep Vibration

And in the reality, the words don't come as easily as I might hope, and I have to fight each one out of me, and when it gets out, it's not as clear and concise and perfect, as I had imagined. But that doesn't stop me. Why doesn't it stop me? Why doesn't failure stop somebody? Because we are not failures, we are successes. We are successes masquerading as failures, tricking all of those around us, and it is just a matter of time until the mask comes off.

Just a matter of time.

And luck.

And energy.

But mostly time.

Time is mostly what there is and mostly what is going to take us all away and over the fence and beyond.

Time.

Time is the slayer of all.

It has slayed me already, I am half the man I used to be, and at the same time, double the man I once was. It is just a matter of perspective.

And since it is just a matter of perspective, one of the most effective things that I can do is look at life through another person's eyes. Try to see what it is that they see when they see life, what they see when they see life and living.

"Put your ear to the floor, and you can hear it sing."
                     - Matt Campbell of the Deep Vibration

And now I am writing again, and now I am moving forward, I am keep on keeping on.

There is always so much to write and yet I never get to the end. But I must get to the end. I must find the end of the tale, and tell it.

Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. All creation. All evolution. Aw shit, the old creation/evolution battle again. I can't stand it. I won't go there.

Now there is a time for everything, and it is now time for me to reflect on where I have been and gone and what I have seen in my first thirty five years of life on this planet.

So much, so very, very much.

But no time to record that now, that is for later. For now, I will just while away the hours and the days and weeks and the months and the years and let the time just slip and slip.

But at the same time I want to grasp it and hold onto it and not let any minute just go by. But they all just do. They all just pass, and there is nothing I can do about it but enjoy each moment as it comes and say goodbye to it as it goes.

Now is again a chance to say something, but I have nothing to say.

So let me leave you with this, if you have stuck with me over hill and dale so far during this post:

Just be yourself.

Life is too short to be anything else.

Get out there and be yourself.

Peace.

Potential, the Future, Life, and the Art of Letting Go

I have been told during my life that I have a lot of potential.

In fact, most recently, a YouTuber told me I had "so much freaking potential."  I felt honored, and approved the comment even though it had landed in my spam box.

But what does it really mean to have potential?

How does it really impact your life to have potential?

For some reason, it reminds me of the black spot from Treasure Island, a summons to the grave.

Potential tries to define what MAY develop in the FUTURE.

However, I am trying to be concerned with what IS developing in the PRESENT.

When does potential become reality?

What does it take to make potential the actual reality?

How can we go beyond what is potentially identified and deliver something beyond what we thought possible?

What does the FUTURE hold? Who can possibly know? NO ONE.

I want to be able to completely think about the present, about what is going on right now, at this second, in this moment, and have it be the best it can possibly be.

I need to be attentive.

I need to be vigilant.

I need to be aware.

I need to focus.

I need to do so many things, but at the same time, I have to do nothing but live life, and let it be lived.

I need to be intense and relaxed at the same time. I have to do so many things.

What do I really have to do though? I have to merely be.

I have to merely allow myself to be and

enjoy and

share and

create.

So many things.

There isn't just one thing.

But there is just one thing.

LIFE.

I am enjoying life right now. I am letting the writing happen. I am enjoying the process of writing and relishing the idea of sharing it with the world. But that is the future.

I am a part of the present and the future at the same time.

Am I capable of letting go of the future, what may or may not be in store for me, and just live my life? Am I going to live in the present at this time right now, right here, as I work and live and breathe?

There is only one way for me to be myself completely, and that is to let it all hang out.

So if the potential and the future are all rolled into one thing, am I willing to give up that thing? Am I willing to give up what might be and live into what IS right now, at this very moment?

Am I willing to let my potential go, and just do the best that I can in all areas of my life?

Am I willing to reduce potential and the future to mere ideas and realize that right now, RIGHT NOW, is all I have to make anything different, whether past, present, or future.

RIGHT NOW, this MOMENT, this BREATH, THIS SECOND, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

IS

the only time that I can

change

be myself

live fully

be truly alive

be one with the universe

breathe completely and fully

learn something new

remember something old

embrace the present

diminish the past

forget the future

and live

my

fucking

life

like

I

deserve

to.


Now is all we have...

Don't waste it...

Do not be afraid.

We are all here.

But we can only do it now.

And if you get lost, get fucking found again.

It's time.

The time is now.

Let's do this thing.

Embrace the present, forget potential, hope for the future, let go, and live into the now.

I am alive.

Can you feel it?

I can.

I can feel you too.

Beat your heart out.

Go make something wonderful.

And share it.

R
I
G
H
T

N
O
W

:)