Warts and All

Recommended listening:

The Deep Vibration Vera Cruz EP



Another chance to make something new. Another chance to write about something that I care about.

I have all the time in the world, but yet I have no time. I have no time, I have so much time.

I am full of contradictions.

I want to make a living as a creative artist. I want to do well at the company.

I want so many things, I want so little.

I need so many things, I need so little.

So why is it that I am continually banging my head against the wall, and why am I constantly able to push boundaries?

What am I actually thinking right now?

I am looking for a distraction. Something, anything, to take me away from the now, when in fact, what I want to be doing right now, and what I AM doing right now, is what I want to be doing now and forever.

So why am I searching for a distraction? Out of habit. I am searching for a distraction, because that is what I do. I don't focus, I don't bear down, I don't lean in when the going gets tough, I go and do something else.

That is the beauty and the hardship of life. Where your focus is, there is where you make progress. What you choose to allow yourself to do fully, that is what you make progress on.

Flow. A lot has been talked about the word FLOW over the past few years. Flow is a state in which one allows oneself to be completely consumed by what one is doing. So many ones. Just let it go.

Now, if I were to let myself be completely consumed by the fact that I am writing right now, it would make sense, and it would be in line with what I actually want for myself.

A distraction. A dichotomy. Something other than what I wanted to be working on, some other distraction popped up and I tended to it. My start menu is full of distractions. My mind is full of distractions. But I am still here, I am still writing, however stifled and stilted and nonsensical that it may be. That is all okay.

What then do I want to write about and be involved in? What then do I want to focus my time on? What, ultimately, do I want to do and be?

I have told myself for years that I want to be a writer, and yet I don't post anything with any regularity. True, I do write nearly every day, but not anything that I share.

And so I am going to share this, warts and all, and allow it to be, out there in the ether.

So, in the idea of letting something out there into the world, warts and all, what am I learning? I am learning that perfection is not the goal. Action is the goal: taking repeated focused action.

There is so much to write about, I can barely begin. Barely. But then I do, then I do begin, and I get started, get started on what I am trying to write about, get started on writing about something wonderful and useless and over.

I have a dream that I am a writer, full time, and that all I have to do is put the words in order as they come out of my mind, but my mind doesn't let the thoughts come in order, and it is all jumbled and all makes little sense.

That isn't a dream at all, it is reality.

"All the stars shine like gold up in the sky."
                 - Matt Campbell of The Deep Vibration

And in the reality, the words don't come as easily as I might hope, and I have to fight each one out of me, and when it gets out, it's not as clear and concise and perfect, as I had imagined. But that doesn't stop me. Why doesn't it stop me? Why doesn't failure stop somebody? Because we are not failures, we are successes. We are successes masquerading as failures, tricking all of those around us, and it is just a matter of time until the mask comes off.

Just a matter of time.

And luck.

And energy.

But mostly time.

Time is mostly what there is and mostly what is going to take us all away and over the fence and beyond.

Time.

Time is the slayer of all.

It has slayed me already, I am half the man I used to be, and at the same time, double the man I once was. It is just a matter of perspective.

And since it is just a matter of perspective, one of the most effective things that I can do is look at life through another person's eyes. Try to see what it is that they see when they see life, what they see when they see life and living.

"Put your ear to the floor, and you can hear it sing."
                     - Matt Campbell of the Deep Vibration

And now I am writing again, and now I am moving forward, I am keep on keeping on.

There is always so much to write and yet I never get to the end. But I must get to the end. I must find the end of the tale, and tell it.

Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. All creation. All evolution. Aw shit, the old creation/evolution battle again. I can't stand it. I won't go there.

Now there is a time for everything, and it is now time for me to reflect on where I have been and gone and what I have seen in my first thirty five years of life on this planet.

So much, so very, very much.

But no time to record that now, that is for later. For now, I will just while away the hours and the days and weeks and the months and the years and let the time just slip and slip.

But at the same time I want to grasp it and hold onto it and not let any minute just go by. But they all just do. They all just pass, and there is nothing I can do about it but enjoy each moment as it comes and say goodbye to it as it goes.

Now is again a chance to say something, but I have nothing to say.

So let me leave you with this, if you have stuck with me over hill and dale so far during this post:

Just be yourself.

Life is too short to be anything else.

Get out there and be yourself.

Peace.