A blank page yet again. Here I am. It is slow going, but that's okay. I am taking some time to write right now. I don't really know where it will lead, but that is kind of the fun of it. If it can be said to be fun at all. Which I think it can be, but a different kind of fun.
The time I spend writing needs to increase. That is for sure. It is acceptable where it is at right now, but I really need to work on prolifically producing my junk, so that I can create non junk as well. And it will take time and persistence. But if I don't show up at the page and actually try to work and produce something, it really won't work. And if it doesn't work it doesn't pay.
So now the only thing that I have to do is continue writing and let that come forward in the writing. Allow the expansion of time and growth to actually let the universe do its work. It only takes so long to do it. It only takes a little time to get into the groove. But it does take time. I can't just jump right in and make it happen. It takes time and energy and that is what it takes. Now what matters is really pushing along and making something happen. Now we have something to do.
There is no we. There is only me. And I have to sit tight and make this happen. That is one of the problems that I have, a little attention deficit disorder. Where I can't sit still long enough to create something of consequence, but then again I spend a whole weekend writing songs, relatively uninterrupted, focusing on the right things, making something happen, moving forward.
Now all I have to do is ride the wave. Once I am in the ocean, I only have to ride the waves. But the problem for me lies in getting into the ocean in the first place. That has long been my issue. Breaking inertia. I have a flow going now. It only takes the time it takes to enter the water, and the flow begins. But it is again that getting in the water that slows everything down. It only takes a moment, but that moment takes a while to get to. The reason it takes so long to get to is that I don't spend enough time actually making the time for anything, actually developing the trust and the presence of anything. Understanding why I am here and getting into the right rhythm are reasons for being here. I am losing myself in the words now. They are not making as much sense as I had hoped. Now I am merely fluctuating and learning all about the fluctuations of energy and the self doubt that possesses me and encourages me over and over again to give up.
But I am not giving up. I am pressing forward. I am trying to move from point A to point B. And I will get there. I will get to B. It has not been a straight line, nor will it ever be a straight line. It is just something that is.
I am me and I am here. This is what I am aware of. With my half closed eyes I will continue to create and try to come up with something unique and worthy of love and experience. I don't think I am reaching it at this juncture. It is merely taking my time from the start. And I feel like I am wasting time, wasting life, wasting what I am put here to do.
I am aware of time. I am aware of the plodding of time past the numbers. It takes time. It takes time and energy. And this was not the best result of that time and energy. But tomorrow may be different. Or even later today. My here has so much room for improvement. It doesn't take much to think about the future or the past or the present. What is happening is happening within me.
I am learning. I am slowly learning that I must just show up at the page. I must just move forward all the time. I must just improve on myself as often as I can. Continually in fact. That is the only way to move this position forward. To constantly be on the work for trying to improve and get better. What a waste this was. Worst writing in some time.
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And that is also okay. The worst writing has to come out so that the better writing can be illuminated.
As recently explained to me by an artist friend of mine, it is all lightness and dark, and only through the interplay between the two is the line ever seen.
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