Creating with Bipolar Disorder

Staring at a blank page, I am up against the idea that I am really just fooling myself, that I really don't have anything creative to say after all my longing, wishing, talking and hoping.

Sometimes I feel defeated before I have even begun. But that won't stop me from creating something, working at something, even if it is just this nonsense here. How self-deprecating and dismissive of me, I should have not been so mean there. This is not nonsense, this is writing, and even though it may be bad writing, it is my writing, and so this is the place where it goes. It is okay to write badly and to publish here and now regardless of the success of the work.

Creating is something that happens naturally when I sit down to do it. The writing flows normally, though the topics addressed are rarely focused on one thing or another for very long. The ideas are flowing. I see writing as therapy for me. It is something I do almost compulsively, to get ideas down on the page, to set forth my goals and ambitions. To define myself in a way I had not done before.

And by defining myself, I get to know myself better. By getting to know myself better, I am better able to navigate life. I can surf through the current without running into the rocks, or at least be able to bounce off of them safely when I come upon one.

I want to be a writer. What I am finding is that I want the writer's life, but I don't necessarily want to put in the work to get there. That is hard to admit, but it is the truth. I am lazy. I procrastinate often.

Being honest with myself is something that gets me closer to where I want to be as well, even if the truth hurts. I can take the time to be honest with myself and understand that what I learn might hurt a bit. But it is better to know than to not know.

The unexamined life is not worth living.  -Socrates

So I am examining my life, and some of the things I find may be unpleasant. I am willing to go there. I am willing to unearth whatever needs to be turned over and let into the air.

But back to creating and the act of creation.... It is important to know that I do have a desire to create. It is intertwined with my DNA, part of who I am. I just need to do it more often. I have to allow myself the time and energy to create, because I also believe that what I want to create is worth the time and energy. It is worth it to myself, and I think it may be worth it to others in the short or long term.

At least that is what I think right now, and why I started this blog, to show that someone can go from point A to point Z, not in a straight line, but in a curve, an arc.

My understanding of life is one of creation and improvement and change. So first I must master myself and learn how to change as often and deeply as necessary.

The measure of intelligence is the ability to change. -Albert Einstein

Over the past year and a half many things about me have changed, both inadvertently and by design. A year and a half ago I experienced a major manic episode, was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That was a drastic change to my psyche and my life. Through that experience, I have come to know myself a lot more, and have tried to live my life more true to myself. But I am still fearful at times, still discovering myself, and I still have a lot to learn. I am willing to share these thoughts and others so that readers will be encouraged that they are not alone in their fight for change or self discovery or life in general.

We are all working hard at going somewhere, whether inadvertently or by design. Do we know where we are headed? Do we stop to think about the destination and change direction when necessary?

I had a major speed bump in my life and was given the opportunity to see the big picture, what is most important to myself and my family. The universe worked something out for me that was unique to me and my situation, and I am grateful for the opportunity, though it was difficult to get through at the time.

So now I am faced with the things that I want to change about myself, and finding the ways and means to actually change them. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I don't want to procrastinate my life away. I want to be a part of life and living it to the fullest.

This morning I got up early (on a Saturday) and decided to write. That was a good decision, though I don't know how often I will be able to actually do that. It doesn't really matter; what does matter is that I am doing it right now, in the present, and that is all I can control.

“Be here now.” ― Ram Dass, Be Here Now

Just Dive In

Just dive in. Make something new. Create something that has not been before or will be since the inception of the creation.

Just dive in. Do not wait for inspiration, make the most of this moment, right now.

Just dive in. Do not be reluctant or recalcitrant, just go for it.

Just dive in. Make the most of the situation you are in.

Just dive in. Do not let resistance slow you down.

Just dive in. Get wet. Splash.

Just dive in.

All Is Not Lost

All is not lost.

I am not lost.

You are not lost either.

Let's celebrate!

I Want to Be Successful

I want to be successful.

I get to define what success means. It doesn't have to be what anyone else wants, it can only be what I want.

Define for yourself what success is. Is it a new car? Is it that perfect dream house? Is it a wonderful family life? Is it financial security? Is it a thriving business? Is it a chance to travel the world at a moment's notice? Is it the opportunity to live where you want to? Is it being able to say you finished something? Is it an account of your accomplishments? What is success? What is success to you?

Where do you see yourself in five years? Where do you want to live in five years? What do you want to be doing for a living in five years? What do you want for your family in five years? What kind of relationships do you want to have in five years? What do you want to have under your belt in five years? What languages do you speak in five years? How much have you learned in five years? What have you learned in five years? What is the meaning of your life in five years? How much older are you going to be in five years? How much younger will you feel in five years? What do you think you will be doing in five years?

Is five years too long?

Do you not have the ability to see that far in the future? You don't have to be a fortune teller. You only have to define for yourself  what you want in those five years. Make it up. Start somewhere. There can be no wrong answers. This is a game. A game of chance and make believe. But there is truth behind it. By doing the exercise, you learn more about yourself. You learn what it is that you truly want, what you truly desire when you look outside of your day to day existence.

What if we shortened the long view? What if we only looked at the next year?

What do you want to be different in your life one year from today? What if you had the ability to change everything about your life? What if you didn't want to change anything about your life? What if? What does your next year look like? Take your age and add a year, what is the new age you come to? Is it a good year? Will you take advantage of the opportunity that life gives all of us every precious moment and become what you want to be?

I don't know if I will, but I will try. And trying is where I can start. Trying gets the ball rolling, breaks the inertia, builds momentum. But success is the goal.

I take it for granted that I want to succeed. But it is important to say to myself that I want to be successful, that I want to be a success. And again, I get to define what that success means. It is different for everyone.

But we have to take the time to define what success means for us. We have to take the time to decide what we want and what we don't want. Actually, forget about what you don't want. Life teaches us what we don't want, we don't have to decide for ourselves. Focus on what we do want. Focus on what you want from life. Then get out there and try for it. But instead of just trying and hoping for the best, say to yourself, "I want to be successful."

I want to be successful.

I want to win. I don't think life is a competition, but I still want to be a winner. A winner in my own right, by my own definitions, by my own definition of success.

What does success look like for you?

Maybe a year is still too long of a view to have. Let's chop it down then, drop it to six months, one month, a week, a day, today, this hour, this minute, this second.

DEFINE SUCCESS FOR YOURSELF THIS MOMENT, AND ONLY FOR THIS MOMENT.

Then get out there and try for that success. Moment to moment. Live in the present and focus on what success can be for you at that one moment.

This one moment is all we have. The present is the only time we have to live in, everything else, past and future are just a dream.

Define for yourself what success is, and be a success in this present moment.

The River of Life

A man sat on a ledge and looked between his knees to the water below. He was old, this man, he was frail and gaunt and didn't have an original thought or feeling left in him. He had paved his life straight and narrow, and had borne down on the path like a roaring river, cutting deeper and deeper into the rock of life, building up walls of exposed, hardened sediment and relationships on either side of his life.

He watched the water roar through the gullies and canyons that had been created over years of striking violently through the rock. He saw that his life was like this river. He followed the length of the water with his eyes as it ran. As he gazed down the length of the river he saw that it slowed and calmed until it finally let out to a large body of water as still and smooth as glass, yet teeming with life.

He contemplated his existence. He wondered whether or not the fury and fierce experiences of life were worth the toll it was taking on his mind. He wondered at life and the living of it. He was worried. He was worried that he was nearing the end and that he didn't have much to say he was proud of.

As we all work toward our final end, do we realize that all along the way we control the depth and way that we cut the rock of life? How will we wear away at the surface of life? Through violent shifts and changes at times. Through calm and measured strokes at others. Infinity moves within each of us. We are the calm before and after our own storms.

Something crinkled in the light at the corner of his vision. The old man turned his head to see an eagle circling in the gusts of wind created by the canyon, looking for prey. The eagle soared so high above the earth. The man trembled. He held out his shaking hands and looked far down the canyon walls to the water below. How can the eagle soar? What makes the bird take flight?

Suddenly, the eagle dove toward the roaring waters of the river. It screamed into the froth and came out clutching a shining silver fish. The eagle climbed with beating wings back out of the canyon and flew off into the distance, the fish shining in its talons.

The old man watched until the last glimmer of the fish and bird were gone. Now he was quiet and still. He thought of all the experiences in his life and how much of it seemed meaningless now. Much of it seemed as though he were just a player on a stage, experiencing something that he didn't understand or could even comprehend.

Then the old man began to remember. He remembered one person. As the eagle had plucked the fish from the river, the old man pulled forth the memory of one person he was proud to know, was proud to have spent time with. And that was something to ponder. If he thought one person was worth the time of his life to know, perhaps that person thought the same about him. Perhaps his river of life had touched more than the earth. Perhaps his life had influenced more than he could imagine.

He was not going to escape his existence. He didn't need to escape his existence. He needed to embrace it, and let it run its course.

The man straightened his bent back and closed his eyes against the sun. He saw the color of his fleshy eyelids lit up by the power of the light from the sun as it set warm above the canyon.

He stood and looked at where the eagle had disappeared into the distance. He looked down at the river and watched it wind it's way to its ultimate, timely and serene end in the large body of water.

The old man slowly got to his feet. He stepped to the ledge, put his face to the sky and closed his eyes.

He raised his arms in a V and held the pose for a long moment.

He jumped.

But he didn't fall....

He flew.