Staring at a blank page, I am up against the idea that I am really just fooling myself, that I really don't have anything creative to say after all my longing, wishing, talking and hoping.
Sometimes I feel defeated before I have even begun. But that won't stop me from creating something, working at something, even if it is just this nonsense here. How self-deprecating and dismissive of me, I should have not been so mean there. This is not nonsense, this is writing, and even though it may be bad writing, it is
my writing, and so this is the place where it goes. It is okay to write badly and to publish here and now regardless of the success of the work.
Creating is something that happens naturally when I sit down to do it. The writing flows normally, though the topics addressed are rarely focused on one thing or another for very long. The ideas are flowing. I see writing as therapy for me. It is something I do almost compulsively, to get ideas down on the page, to set forth my goals and ambitions. To define myself in a way I had not done before.
And by defining myself, I get to know myself better. By getting to know myself better, I am better able to navigate life. I can surf through the current without running into the rocks, or at least be able to bounce off of them safely when I come upon one.
I want to be a writer. What I am finding is that I want the writer's life, but I don't necessarily want to put in the work to get there. That is hard to admit, but it is the truth. I am lazy. I procrastinate often.
Being honest with myself is something that gets me closer to where I want to be as well, even if the truth hurts. I can take the time to be honest with myself and understand that what I learn might hurt a bit. But it is better to know than to not know.
The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates
So I am examining my life, and some of the things I find may be unpleasant. I am willing to go there. I am willing to unearth whatever needs to be turned over and let into the air.
But back to creating and the act of creation.... It is important to know that I do have a desire to create. It is intertwined with my DNA, part of who I am. I just need to do it more often. I have to allow myself the time and energy to create, because I also believe that what I want to create is worth the time and energy. It is worth it to myself, and I think it may be worth it to others in the short or long term.
At least that is what I think right now, and why I started this blog, to show that someone can go from point A to point Z, not in a straight line, but in a curve, an arc.
My understanding of life is one of creation and improvement and change. So first I must master myself and learn how to change as often and deeply as necessary.
The measure of intelligence is the ability to change. -Albert Einstein
Over the past year and a half many things about me have changed, both inadvertently and by design. A year and a half ago I experienced a major manic episode, was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That was a drastic change to my psyche and my life. Through that experience, I have come to know myself a lot more, and have tried to live my life more true to myself. But I am still fearful at times, still discovering myself, and I still have a lot to learn. I am willing to share these thoughts and others so that readers will be encouraged that they are not alone in their fight for change or self discovery or life in general.
We are all working hard at going somewhere, whether inadvertently or by design. Do we know where we are headed? Do we stop to think about the destination and change direction when necessary?
I had a major speed bump in my life and was given the opportunity to see the big picture, what is most important to myself and my family. The universe worked something out for me that was unique to me and my situation, and I am grateful for the opportunity, though it was difficult to get through at the time.
So now I am faced with the things that I want to change about myself, and finding the ways and means to actually change them. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I don't want to procrastinate my life away. I want to be a part of life and living it to the fullest.
This morning I got up early (on a Saturday) and decided to write. That was a good decision, though I don't know how often I will be able to actually do that. It doesn't really matter; what does matter is that I am doing it right now, in the present, and that is all I can control.
“Be here now.” ― Ram Dass, Be Here Now
