Something More

Here I sit again waiting to create something, even while I am creating it. For some reason the perspiration doesn't seem as real as the inspiration, but at the same time, the perspiration is real in a different way.

Here is what I mean: When I sit down to write something, and I have no idea what to write, it is clear that I am forcing the issue. It is clear that I am only working toward the end of having written something at all. But that goal is clear cut and positive, because that is the only goal I can really have. If I sat down to write something profound, I may never write anything. So I leave the goal at seven hundred fifty words and try to write that many, come what may.

When I sit to write I am not visited by inspiration. Inspiration comes and goes. Perspiration is readily available at all times. I can always work. I can always write about nonsense at any time of the day or night. I can always move forward with the work. I can always push ahead in the writing.

Inspiration versus perspiration, which is more important? For me it is the perspiration, the act of writing at all, the act of creating something from nothing and letting the words flow onto the page. Inspiration helps greatly to produce more focused, cohesive and profound writing.

But at the same time, with dogged determination, it is possible to write something focused and cohesive, if not profound.

What is profundity anyway? Is it worth the time to try to get to the profound or at least the interesting? Yes. It is worth the time and the effort. But there is no guarantee I will actually get there when I sit down to write. That is okay. I say I would be content with not writing anything profound for the rest of my life. I think I would still write. I think I would still sit and write with perspiration dripping down my neck as I dive headlong into the next sentence.

Right there was a bit of inspiration. See? It comes visiting when I least expect it to. To me, inspiration is a sense of knowing what to say next, before I have even really thought it through completely. It is an extension of the primal spirit. Does such a thing exist, the primal spirit? I don't know. I am just making this up.

And see? The inspiration can leave just as fast as it came. There is no rhyme or reason to it at this point, but what I would like to do over the next few pages is to see if I can find inspiration's heartbeat and understand what leads it to stop by and visit for a while, what causes inspiration to visit, and what causes it to leave.

I know a bit about what causes it to leave: attention to it, inspiration itself, and not the work at hand. For me, inspiration comes along side me and works with me on whatever I am trying to accomplish. When I notice inspiration is there, it seems to glance at me and say "Now you know I am here, you don't need me anymore, or at least you think you don't. I will go on my way now."

And that is when inspiration glides away and leaves me to the work again, and it becomes more of a chore, more of a drudgery to actually get through. But again, I think I would be okay with the drudgery. For it's still writing after all, and that is quite enjoyable!

Onto the more exciting and provocative idea though, onto what causes inspiration to come at all, and when it does, what causes it to stay alongside me as I create something new?

What causes inspiration to visit is partially a sense of selflessness. It is not me, the person, the human, the great I, doing the work, it just so happens that I am working and trying to get something out. The less self-aware I am about it, the better. The more I can stay focused on the work, the more inspiration has a chance to come alongside the work and the working and send out a few positive vibes of energy toward me and the work.

Some people refer to this state as flow. A person is in flow when time ceases to exist, and there is just the work and the worker. But in reality, I think the worker disappears as well, and there is only the work left. That is flow. That is the visitation of inspiration. The worker and the self-consciousness that seems to inhabit every moment of our lives just dissolves and there is only the task before us.

I tend to get caught up in nuances and distracted by different things. Right now I have lost the path of inspiration again because I got side tracked, or rather, I sidetracked myself. I went off on a tangent about getting caught up in nuances. That is okay. It is a learning process. It is a learning process to understand how inspiration and perspiration work together to create flow, and how being in a state of flow can be the most productive state there is.

Two forks to follow: 1. Getting caught up in nuances 2. Being productive.

1. I got caught up in a nuance, and really I should replace the word nuance with detail or something like it. I get caught up in details that don't effect the entire over arching theme of what I am trying to write about. The detail that caught my attention at the end of the paragraph about the perspiration and the worker just dissolving was that maybe I wasn't defining flow in the correct way. Who cares?

2. Being productive is all the rage. The more I can get done, the more valuable I am. The more valuable I am, the more I can earn. The more I can earn, the better off I'll be. The better off I am, the more I can tend to my friends, family and hobbies. The more I can tend to my friends, family and hobbies, the happier I will be. So does being more productive make me happier?

I don't know the answer to that question. I have been kicking around the idea that it may not be the best thing to constantly improve yourself. I think I am just at a new comfortable stage with myself, and I am enjoying it, and taking the time to accept what is reality and what is new and true for me at this given time.

So, this has gone all over. But now I am coming back to perspiration. Some of what I have written today was inspired writing. I won't say it was profound, but it was definitely inspired, meaning, I felt inspired as I was writing it.

I never would have reached that inspired opportunity if I had not first decided that I would accept a full day's worth of writing that only consisted of nonsense, doggedly written down by the sweat of my brow. So in order to find inspiration, I have to show up and be willing to suck. I have to be willing to not make sense. I have to be okay with the fact that I won't make it past the level of hack at any time, past, present or future. I am okay with that. And because I am okay with that, I stand a chance to be a hack. Or maybe even something more.

Growth, Potential, Practice and The Next Big Thing

I will write as much as I possibly can with the time I have.

Is it about quantity or quality? It is about both, it is about writing period. The writing is what I am doing with myself, and what I am excited about. The posts on the blog are good and well, but it is the actual writing that propels me forward to what I enjoy with my whole heart, soul and mind, what takes up and uses all three to create new things every day.

I have a love of creating things, fresh thoughts, fresh ideas. I have a love of rehashing old thoughts and ideas with a new or old or used up slant on things. It doesn’t matter! What does matter is that I write it out, all of it, and that it is recorded here, for posterity. But more than for those who will read this later, I do it for myself, so that I can look back at where I have been and know that I am moving forward and growing.

Growth is a huge part of what I am trying to capture here, and I may not be able to capture it completely. Growth is something that is ephemeral in that the growth itself happens in increments and small steps, but I am still myself. There is seemingly nothing new about growing , it is only upon reflection that the growth can be noted, as in remembering what used to be and now taking in what is. It is this capacity for knowing the difference between what used to be and what is that makes the human experience so unique. We have much to learn from our animal friends who seem to only live in the present, but we can’t discount the ability to reflect and ponder upon what we “see” in the past, and how it applies to our present and future.

Potential is something else I want to touch on. What is potential? Potential is something dormant that has a capacity to reveal itself. But that doesn’t mean it will always reveal itself. Potential must be encouraged and tended to, it must be given room: to breathe, to grow and…. to get things wrong. Just because someone has potential in a certain area doesn’t mean that they are going to get it right the first or even the fiftieth time. But it is a good decision to lean in the direction of potential, to give that area of life the opportunity to blossom and grow.

Practice is another topic of conversation. To practice is to prepare. What I am doing here, by writing actively with no real goal or purpose for this writing, is practice. And by practicing, I am able to get in touch with what moves me, and may move others upon reading. I get glimpses of success, glimpses of what writing has the power to do, and I try to lean into that. I learn. I learn from failed attempts at writing something relevant and intriguing, that it is all just practice for what is coming next.

The next big thing. What is the next big thing? Who knows? We area all interested inthe energy and experience of our swiftly moving planet, but do we really know where we are headed? I bet there are people who know where we are headed, and I bet they are extremely interesting to talk to. I would like to get their thoughts on where we’ve been, where we are and where we are going.

I am starting to get a better idea of where I am headed, what path I am on, and why. I am becoming a writer, a writer of ideas and thoughts that bear the burden (read joy) of being shared, whether good, bad, ugly or indifferent. All this writing could easily fall on deaf ears, but that doesn’t really matter, because I am not doing it for any other reason than for myself, my family, the world and God. After all those years of Christianity, I still believe in some sort of God or universal laws that speak to all the reasons why I think about existence and love and fear instead of just living life with my head down in the sand.

We are all here together, and we are all in the same glorious mess. Let’s learn to love it! I am starting to enjoy myself more and more, and I am starting to share the joy of self-discovery. Won’t you come join me?

Stop and Grow in Fits and Starts

Sometimes it can be frustrating. It goes in fits and starts. And just when you think you know what to say, you forget what you want to say. But you haven't really forgotten, you have just realized that what you were about to do was not exactly in harmony with the present moment, with what you really want to do.

Thoughts can run us in circles. We can spin round and come back to the same point after following a thought pattern in what we think is a new direction.

What if we bypassed thought? Or eliminated it? Could we still function? Could we still thrive?

Intuition. Following our gut.

Be present and rely on intuition. I feel like I should write instead "Make the best decision with the best information available."

There are more than two ways of looking at life, but there are two of them above.

In fact there are billions of ways of looking at life, precisely the same number of people that are on the planet comprise the number of ways to look at life. I am choosing to share my view. Or at least some of it. As I grow. As I change.

For I am always changing, and by changing I am growing, although I am already grown. I follow my own lead, with a billion stars of light and help from all of those around and before me.

I am growing in fits and starts. I am finding my way, finding my voice. A lot of times it does not come easily, but that is what forces the growth to occur, the fact that I have to work and strive and make an effort at times to pull something from nothing and to have learned from it and to put it out there for others to learn from or discard, that work makes me grow.

And if I do nothing I grow anyway, but in a different way, as in a hardening of my ways, wearing a pattern of behavior a little deeper.

My goal in this metaphor is to be fluid, to be flexible, to stretch myself and grow in the direction that I want to go, which is to create and to share. The daisy doesn't yearn or want for anything but it sure as shit turns its face to reach the sun. Be natural. Be super natural. Even if it doesn't go smoothly.

Resistance to Life

Resistance to life and living stems from a desire to be anywhere but in the now. Now presents us with the ability to be and do what we want and can. Sometimes we trade our now for our later. That is the essence of work defined in western society.

Work, especially at a job we do not like, is trading our now for our later of being able to do the things we want to do. It is a trade. I want to have my now be made up of all the things I enjoy doing at all times. Reading, writing, creating art, playing music, spending time with friends and family. That is what I want to do with all of my now.

I want to stop trading my now away for money. But I have to live. And so I think about creating in the now and trading those creations for money. But I want everyone to have an equal opportunity to enjoy my creations. And so I think about creating multiple versions of my products in order that they can sell and be free at the same time. What is the meaning of life? To love, enjoy, share, grow… and a fifth one I can’t remember.

Writing for me enables me to be completely present in what I am doing. Completely free of expectations about what I should or should not be or should or should not do. I am free when I write. I am free when I create, and so I need to do more of it. Hence, what I am doing right here, creating.

I have been experiencing inner resistance to what is recently. It is causing me to have inner turmoil that I would like to resolve. It is what it is. I can will and allow my life to change, incrementally, but I also need to will and allow my life to be as it is for now.

Only through allowing and willing my life to change will I get to where I want to be, but by allowing and willing my life to be, I can be happy in the now. It is what it is!

Now is where I live. I need to constantly practice presence and be where I am and understand that what I am and what I am doing are working toward the perfect union of life in this universe.

I don’t have to understand it. I just have to show up with energy and enthusiasm and get out of the way. What matters is that I take a part in what I do, take a part in what I am thinking and saying. Be a part of the world around me.

It doesn’t matter if I am feeling shitty, those are just feelings based on negative thinking. I need to get out of negative thought patterns, and I really have come a long way on that already. I am worthy. I approve of myself. I am enough. Those are thoughts I know are true for me. I no longer go down the road of negative self-talk, though occasionally I dip into it.

What I am learning by living is priceless to my growth. It is necessary for my growth. I am given a true opportunity to live and love and be among the world.

I don’t know if anybody else around me is awake. I don’t know if they are and it doesn’t really matter to my journey, though I would like to have company. I would like to have a partner or two I can talk ideas with, but the journey is one of my own.

To live the Tao is to allow and will at the same time. To be one with the dichotomy of the world. Beauty and ugliness together in one place, for one purpose, the joy of the universe.

I am working on connecting, but I need to connect as often as possible. There is much resistance in me that I need to remove and get out of the way, and the best way for me to do that is to create. Through creation I am washing away the resistance, I am breaking it down into manageable chunks and getting it out of the way.

The resistance is there, but resistance is futile. I will be making my way, through the strength and power of the universe to experience something more amazing than ever before experienced or felt. There is much to learn, much to do, much to see. I am part of all of it.

There in the world there is so much to understand and be a part of.

I am part of all of the world and I am part of all that there is to see in the world. The universe is in me, and I am in the universe.

I am so grateful and thankful for my life, even the parts I don’t like right now. I have been given an amazing opportunity to wake up and smell the roses, to understand what life is about, and I am taking that opportunity and will be making the most of it, even with my faults as a human being.

Perfection is the goal, even knowing that it will not be achieved. Like Sisyphus I will push and allow the universe to work through me to accomplish it’s goals. Assuming the universe even has goals. Maybe just a flowering is necessary.

A flowering of human consciousness. I am part of that. I dip in and out of it, but I am there, I am trying to be present, trying without trying. Doing without doing. Just being. Allowing myself to be in my most natural state, which for me is a state of reflection and creation.

Creation for the greater good of the entire universe.

Now the rub is that I am having a difficult time seeing that my creations at work are beneficial to the entire universe. In fact, at times I feel that they are detrimental to the entire universe. The philosophy behind lean and my new role seems to be in congruence with the greater good of the universe, in eliminating waste, but I see the application to the whole and can’t get on board with it.

The reason I can’t get on board with it resides in me. There is nothing outside of me that is creating the chasm between what I want to do and what I am doing. I am creating it. My ego? may be creating it. My ego thinks that it is not getting what it deserves and that is stifling my being. So perhaps in saying I deserve an abundant life I should actually be saying I don’t deserve anything. The universe works as it wills, and I am along for the ride.

I am here and creating and writing because the universe allows and wills it to be so, as do I.

I am still here for a reason. That reason is to create. It is very clear to me, never has a purpose in my life been so well defined.

So the only thing I have to do is create. That is what I am here for, so that is what I will do.

What are you here for?

What makes you wake up in the morning?

What keeps you going?

Creation and the act of creating do it for me. I need to do more of it. And so I will.