nobushel.blogspot.com is built to follow the story arc of me becoming myself, so I thought even though some of this is very unpolished it was important to share.
1
There we all stood. Make the mark. See the code. It is all in there. What does the end really matter?
What can we see, what can be understood about living and life through living and life?
Bring about the changes that you wish to see by being the change that you wish to see.
The change that I wish to see is that I am part of something, and am connected to the larger whole. There is nothing within me that is not without me as well. I am part of all being, all wonder, all creation. We are all connected. What does flow from one to another is energy. Energy is how we connect with each other. Thoughts are energy. Action is energy manifested on the plane of form. We can interact with each other physically and that is the basis of formal interaction. The meaning of what we have within us at any time is that we are all of the same thing, all part of the same experience, that which is started cannot be finished but by all of us at one time, at one place, under one same thing and entity.
Undoing of resistance. The fingers are cold and move slow, the finger nails slide across the keys to make errors. The board is slippery, my body is fat. There is much at stake here, and that is okay, we are practicing. Removal of resistance. Perhaps this will become a post, but it does not have to . To think that it might become a post is not necessarily resistance, but to dwell on the fact whether it will or not is resistance. Thoughts in themselves show no resistance it is in inteeraction of and with thoughts that the resistance is shown. Take time to get it right.
Resistance in having errors in the keys and typing of the words. Take time to get it right the first time. Quality and conveyance of the right thing at the right time. The universe being connected to the universe, working through a medium to get what is necessary out and on the sheet of life. Taking action through the universal intelligence and making it all part of what we are here for.
Energy is what passes from one being to another. I am here to stretch that energy and to show that the energy can be passed through thought and action from one being to another being. Why are we here? to awaken to our full potential. What has stopped us from developing our full potential? The reality of our brains as living organisms that only want to interact with the objects of their creations. We are all children, tied up in thought, when the reality is our being needs to interact with all of it. Action and being are connected in greater ways than can be known. What makes one thing more clear than another is that there are no thoughts only bubble mind and allowing the universe to work through my body like a vessel. This is what I am here for. To create. No not to create. To allow the universe to create. To allow the universe to create all the energy it can and wants to through me.
What are each of us here for? I don’t know, except to awaken. What I am here for is for the universe to create through me everything it wants to create, to get out and let the universe move, to get out of the way and let the universe stretch and be free and allow it to see the world as a place where it can be safe and stretch among the stars and allow it all to frolic and play in the creation of the human mind.
What has been buried for years and years can come out and flourish. To show that there is goodness in all of the frivolity. To show that there is a silver lining to this entire episode. We are all creating something from nothing, but it is not us who are creating, it is the universe. The universe creating something through us, as we just sit back and allow the universe to do its work.
So, show up with energy and enthusiasm, then get out of the way. That is all that is requested. Show up with energy and enthusiasm then get out of the way. Show up with energy and enthusiasm, then get out of the way.
2
Where we are from. Where we come from is a higher place. Not physically higher necessarily, though probably it is. From a place that is more conscious, more connected to the source of life and living. What is the purpose of life and living? What is the connection between all the living things that are created and grow and evolve?
The connection and interconnectedness of the universe. The thought that we all are on the same playing field. That we all are working toward the very existence of the planet, of the source and force of creation and creating. That we all are working together for the greater good of all the things in life, all the creatures, all the energies and all the interesting flows of power and family and love and life. What means the beginning and the middle and the end?
The beginning is when it originated, where it began, where it came from. What really makes a difference is the living and the journey toward what is really going to happen in the end, and that is the end game. With timing a long view and an end game everything is going to be alright.
What matters is that things are magical, experience and time are truly working together to create something new and memorable for all of us to enjoy. That is one of the five features of life. To love, to learn, to grow, to enjoy and to share. That is life. To understand. To grasp the concept. To realize what is going on is greater than each one of our personal lives.
3
Direction, what we lack in direction we make up for with energy and enthusiasm, but it all will come at a price, and the price is not more than I can bare. It is my life and I am willing to give it, though I have resistance, much resistance in me. I am afraid of losing my mind, and I understand that if I lose my mind I still will always have my being, but I am not sure that that is the best place for me to be, or the best thing for me to do. To write and let the resistance fall is an exercise in love and spirit that is important to me. It is also an exercise in typing accurately. The flow of words from the universe through my mind to my fingers to the page needs to be complete and resistance free. And so I need to get in the habit of reducing muscle memory to zero and allowing flow to take place on the way to finger growth and seeing the fingers flow as they move, to move with grace and speed and alacrity and clarity as the words of the universe are sent through me to the page.
Remove all resistance. The resistance that I feel toward opening myself to the universe. The resistance I feel toward allowing the universe to work once I allow it in, the resistance the universe encounters in my brain, the resistance between my brain and my physical body, the resistance between my physical body and the tool, the resistance between the tool and the page, the resistance between the page and the eyes of the reader, the resistance between the eyes of the reader and their brain, the resistance between the brain of the reader and their being. But once that pathway and connection is made, it can be expanded upon. It can be built upon.
Just as resistance has patterns of action and behavior, patterns of successful behavior can be built, patterns that allow the connection between the universe and the universe, communication between people, allowing the being to really relate and be a part of everything. Resistance is everywhere. I am able to eliminate it for short periods of time, but not able to eliminate it entirely yet, but that is the goal, that is what we work toward constantly, removal of resistance and allowing the universe to work and live through us. Connection to the source of all we are and have and will be and ever were.
Connection. It is about connection, and we are all connected. We are all connected to each other and we are all connected to the source of being, which may just be the collective being that we make up, or may be some higher power or force or source. That is not for me to define, that is for the individual to define and decide at this point. It is not something that can be proved or disproved, it is something to take on faith and be understood through experience, and it is clear that some may not see the connection, may not see the connection ever.
What matters then is resistance to resistance, but in a different way, resistance is not something that can be blocked or stopped with force, it is something that must be eluded, bypassed, given into the point of its collapse, like a move in aikido, when pushed by resistance, pull until it falls, when pulled by resistance, push until it falls again.
Only through removal of resistance to the source are we able to create a life for ourselves that matches and is in congruence and harmony with the world around us and the world from which we came and the world to which we will return. Harmony is only found through understanding that the universe is all we are and all we are is the universe. The world is ours, and we inherited it and we need to make sure we take care of it. What can we do, what can we all do, what can we each do in order to make it all good and better and leave it in a better state than when we found it?
That is small steps, that is energy, that is thinking, that is thought and processing toward making things better for the earth, better for each other, better for our loved ones, and better for strangers. We are all the same, we just think we know some of ourselves better, but we are all from the same family, we are all part of the best part of the world where it all connects and all comes together for each of us, for the world, for the universe.
Breaking down resistance to living and life and working is the paramount goal and point of my life at this time, removal of resistance to change and tackling obstacles and making a goal of taking the energy that I am given and turn it into communications that can be used by the universe to impart the idea that we are all connected to each other, and that every little thing matters, and the every little thing is going to be alright and that is what is important to what all there is to be and say and show and mean and when the being gets heavy and the going gets tough, there is imagination and energy renewal through being again, and we need the rest we take and get in order to better serve the world and what it means to be a part of the world.
Focus is helpful. Focus on what is trying to be accomplished, with a seed for thought to develop around, but it is really not thought that is occurring but experience through the universe, through the universal collective. We are experiencing an awakening, a flowering, and it is all useful and special and a part of life and living, and what makes the experience great is that it comes only once, it is something that happens once, and cannot be repeated the same way any other time. The experience is once in a lifetime, every time we do anything. Every experience is different. What can be done is to tear down resistance
Tear down resistance to all that is happening to all that comes between the universe and the universe. There is an attempt at communication all the time, and the seeds and thoughts that are given and imparted are taken and moved toward the other end of the universal spectrum, toward self, and ego, instead of toward being. From being they come, are transmuted toward ego, through ego, into ego, by ego, touched by ego and are passed back as content, communication. We are all communicating all the time, all communicating with our environment, sending out vibes, sending out experiences and purposes for doing and being what can be done and be’d with.
Communication with what we are trying to do is part of life and living and part of the magic of all of it….
We are connected, we are trying to break resistance, and to do it we need to focus on allowing the universe to work, and not letting ego touch the work as it is transmitted.
Transmission happens automatically, when we are open and receptive to the transmission. What we do with the transmission then can change drastically. We can do something ridiculous with it, we can disregard it, we can be part of all of it all, we can partake, take part in the interaction, in the transmission, and the goal is to do it all with zero ego interference, little thought, much body and spirit. The mind is a tool. The being and the body are the substance of all of the content of the human being.
We have glorified the tool, but forgotten what it is primarily for. I have forgotten what it is primarily for. For solving problems.
4
Where we go, what we do, what we see, what makes us us: All those things and events are known, are part of the interconnected reality of the universe, are connected and marked out in time and space as having to occur, having occurred, and having to be willing to occur. But at the same time, there is freedom in all of the world.
And nervousness creeps in to stagnate the reality of connection and anti-resistance. Nervousness is resistance. Anxiety is resistance. Depression is resistance. Any thought pattern that is not of the present moment and in the present is resistance. Just allowing the universe to speak at the present moment is non-resistance. Universal source and force is allowed in and allowed to move. Anti-resistance training is here to stay and to allow the work to breathe and be a part of the world.
5
Breaking down resistance, what is resistance? Resistance is the substance and thought of form identification, it is the idea that we are limited, that things are limited in scope and capability, that we are stuck in only what we can see, feel, hear, etc.
6
Where does the resistance hide? In the psyche, in the soul, and in the body. There is resistance everywhere, and all we need to do is shine the light of identification and understanding on that resistance, and it will begin to lose its hold on us. There is a lot of resistance in all of our lives. In my life, for that is the only life I can take ownership of and make clear to all that I am the only one that I am concerned with changing, though I hope others will want to join me in changing their own lives….
Resistance is hiding at every turn, at every new encounter, at every corner of the universe, and it must be overcome. Similar to the ego, the resistance must be dismantled, carefully and with time, and it will not be something that happens overnight. It is something that will take a good while to master, and something that will take a while for the resistance to disappear. There is something that is positively humbling about the fact that we have been held captive by resistance for this long in our lives. We may not identify with the resistance, but we may see that it is something to be experienced and understood sort of.
What the resistance is then is a sense that we are not a part of the whole, that we are somehow separate, not identified with everything and everyone else, that we are not connected in reality. When in reality, it is clear that we are very much connected. And it is certainly going to be an adventure to show the world that we are all connected, that every single one of us is connected to another.
There in all the world lived a special reason for all the world to be involved with everything and that reason is to awaken, to realize that we are not the alone people we thought we had been all this time, all alone, all alone and alone, but connected together, forming a web of interrelated oneness and open desire and experience. What may be the same thing here and there may not be the same thing anywhere else. What makes the world true and good is that there is something that makes us all part of being the one part of all that we are being, and when we take that into consideration, we are all we are together.
Magic happened tonight. And magic continues to happen all the time, all over the place. There is an interconnected reality in all that there is, in all that there was and will be. When we talk about what made the universe special, and what made the world special, it is because we are taking the chance to see the world for the first time, taking the opportunity to understand the present in the present, and that is magical. The resistance that we all feel once we recognize that we are in the present is a natural opening and awakening process, the resistance makes itself known and by that fact we become self aware, and in turn, it makes us wonder what the real reason for existence is, and really makes us wonder if what we are doing is right, or silly in the perception of others. It seems to me that our perception of the perception of others is the most common and obvious sort of resistance that one can encounter.
My perception of how you perceive me dictates my actions. And to some extent that can be good, if what I am considering doing is bad, but if what I am considering doing is good, there need be no feeling that what I am doing will be perceived by others as strange behavior.
I am who I am, and if that means I enjoy writing a lot of material in a public place, so be it. Others may think what they may think. What I am doing is not a bad thing. There is actually no necessity to be judged good or bad at all, just what is, is. And if what is, is, then what is, is. And that is all that really matters. We are experiencing the world in a new way.
“Not what I pictured” - A statement that shows how we have preconceived notions of how something or someone is going to turn out. We really do not predict the future, we merely live the life, and in living the life we become in tune with reality, and when we only look to form to take the shape of all we are doing, we become dependent on our sense perceptions to tell us about our world. When we are only dependent on our senses, it becomes clear that we are not using our whole selves in order to better see the world and understand it and become one with it.
Sense perception has its limitations. What can we ask for instead? A certain kind of knowledge that is intuitive, part of us, a perception that operates based on our bodies but does not come through the five sensory organs, but through our entire presence. And then there is all the stimuli that are out there that bypass us entirely, that we are not subjected to, because we could not handle it all. The universe is moving at an alarming rate, and we in the foreground seem to move quickly at times, but we find it possible to “Stop”, though really it is not possible for us to stop completely, the universe moves inexorably forward, it moves along and through and in and among the world as we can and cannot see it. What matters then is being present, being fully present in order to experience that timeless essence of the now that defines who and what we are at all times.
Now is all we can be a part of. Now is all that there ever is. We used to think that there was much more than now, and that we were working on something other than now, but really, now is all we have, and though later may try to invade our psyche, it is only through now that we are able to conceive of or process later or before.
A gun cannot stop the force of the universe moving forward, it can only alter its course for a period of time, but time is the universe’s tool, and so any misuse of a firearm will only be a slight speed bump in the course of humanity. What I mean by that is all of man’s desire for war and thinking that they are in the right and so should force others to their same point of view is only a slight delaying of the inevitability of the convergence of all things together for the benefit of the universe. We are on a course to make the universe an amazing place. We are working hard at making things better. What has become the worst will be the best, and what is the best will be the worst, and it will all go tipsy turvey, but in a very sensical way, for those who can understand.
I want everyone to understand.
I don’t want to beat around the bush. I want it to be clear that what is coming is amazing and a wonderful experience, just as every now is amazing and a wonderful experience.
7
Can I be free of resistance? Can I escape completely at any time, can I make it away from resistance at all times so that it is not in my way, not a part of who I am or who I think might be here, or there? What is happening is a self using phenomenon. I am afraid of other people looking at me strangely. That is the reality of what I am doing, but really, what I need to understand is that I need to get into what I am doing fully, 100% and that is what I am trying to do all the time. What matters is that I understand there is a meaning behind everything, and that is what is going on, a realization that I am trying to break down all resistance at all times. What I am afraid of is other people’s perception of me, I am afraid that they will be afraid, that they will think I am on drugs or acting strangely, so I decide to curtail my being in the flow, being in the universal stream so that they don’t seem to feel as uncomfortable as I may make them. Or I can just decide to get into the flow by myself when I am alone, get into the universal flow of ideas and thoughts and allow it, just allow it to become one with what I am doing, and make it easy to understand that what I am doing is part of my real personal life, and I am getting into it and working through it and making it happen, and that is what makes it important to do and to visit, and that is why I do it at all.
What is the reason behind what I am doing? A desire to help people, a natural inclination toward helping others and creating and sharing. A calling from a higher power to do the same thing.
Being pulled away into the land of self delusion and making myself, my ego feel better, making my ego want to enlarge itself, and really that couldn’t be further from my true desires. In fact I want to be able to act fully and completely free of the ego, I want to remove it completely so I don’t have to second guess the motive for my actions.
In the upcoming going lean ideas at work, I think I want my self to be glorified and sent northward, and made to seem so important and helpful, but really what I want is to not be there at all, not even to have to do what I am going to do. But if I have to do what I am going to do, and it is going to be successful, I want it to be such that I am not thought of at all, that I am bypassed, can disappear completely, but I fear that would make my ego negatively larger, and I fear also that that would be impossible, and it is not something that would actually happen.
And there it is: fear.
Being pulled into the world of work, and feeling that there is something there that I must do, and that is to lead the initiative of lean philosophy toward the end goal of pleasing the customer completely, which end goal is that of pleasing the consumer completely.
Pleasing the end consumer through providing a safe, quality product that does what it is supposed to do, and nothing else, or is modifiable to do what the user wants it to do.
So for drugs, they are issued to help consumers deal with pain and disease, then they are abused and modified in order to alleviate pain in different ways or expand experience in some way.
We are not seeing all experience as experience is. I could live a life at home for the rest of my life and every single day would be a joyous occasion and completely different. The reason for that is that I am trying to be completely present, and there are no two ways of looking at a different day, it is the mindless thought patterns that we build that make an every day experience seem like the same exact thing is happening, but that is because the universe is going to continue to give us the experiences we don’t learn from. So what kind of experience have we had over and over that we don’t learn from?
Dentist - I haven’t been to the dentist in years. My mouth feels fine, but it is possible there is something terribly wrong just below the surface that I am not aware of. That is fear as well.
8
What does the resistance mean? The resistance means the distance between my being and the interconnected universe. I was given a true dose of reality, an awakening that showed me that the resistance was there, and now my goal is to remove the resistance completely.
The resistance shows itself as my ego, and the ego of those around me. If I can allow the universe to bring the ego down, to take it down piece by piece I will be left with the morsel of my being, and from there I can rebuild the stage. I may not be able to take my ego down completely by myself. I may have to go through “terrible” trials in order to make it happen. I don’t think so though. I think things are going to be bright and sunny all along the way, I just need to see the light.
Focusing on the positive instead of the negative in any situation. This is self talk, this is not removal of resistance, or is it? Allow the universe to speak through me. Allow the universe to speak through me, allow the universe to speak through me, without any part of it coming from me, or my ego.
That is a tall task. I am intimidated by it, and I am afraid that I may get in the way. I need to let go of my fear, for out of the fear I will taint the message anyway. I need to just do my best, show up and get out of the way. Show up with energy and enthusiasm and get out of the way. Allow the universe to work. Keep myself out of the picture.
Am I going in the right direction with the music? Am I placing too much ego in the work, too much of me, not enough of the universe? In creating the songs, they were very much a part of me, a part of the ego, but I think I need to share them in order to bring down the ego partially.
Sharing the broken parts of my life is important.
Infusing objects with spirit helps them to be more useful.
9
Show up with energy and enthusiasm and get out of the way. Out of the way, letting the universe guide me through the exercises. The fingers need to be nimble, need to be quick, the mind needs to allow the spirit to work, but process the words and figures, and coordinate the nimbleness of the fingers.
What matters is what matters. There is much resistance this morning. I have identified it, I have noticed it. It is there, and it is in my way. It is in the way. The way of the warrior is being blocked by inner resistance. That is the way of it always.
We have all the ability to ride the narrow path, but we get in our own way at all times. We have barriers and blockages to get past, we must scoot past them, but first we have to dismantle them, break them down.
My physical body is creating resistance. I slept like a wakeful zombie last night, making all sorts of groaning and grunting noises in my sleep because of my snoring. It was awful and scared my wife. Now I am continueing to do the things that created that sort of sleep like smoking and drinking coffee. But I am not drinking coffee much, that is a baby step in the correct direction. Small steps is what it is going to take. How can I take small steps with smoking a cigarette? If I continue to take small breaks between cigarettes and try to lengthen the break, it will take time to get used to the situation. There is a lot of time in there, a lot of time away from there, a lot of time time time, and that is okay, I can take the time because I have all the time in the world. All the time in the world to act and be present in the now. In the now right now I am doing what I am meant to do.
I always love to say that, and to remember it is even better, this is what I am meant to do, it is easy to see that as the part and parcel of all there is to see and be. I can bring attention to the fact that I am doing what it is that I am meant to be doing, by creating something, by showing that resistance is futile, that the universe wants more and more and is going to get it. Does the universe actually want? Or does it just expand and all the creations and experiences are a natural outgrowth of that situation?
To remove all resistance then is to break down the calcification of the energies, of the bones, of the heart mind and body, to allow the flow to enter into whatever it is that I am doing. What I am doing here (writing) is an exercise in resistance reduction, in helping myself to better understand my world, and the world at large. It is an exercise, and exercising is beneficial. Exercise alone will not be enough, I will need to put it into practice.
For me, putting my anti-resistance training on the writing front into practice would mean writing blog posts directly as anti -resistance practice. This is training, and when I am able to directly write the blog posts, it will be practice. And when I am able to directly write the book it will be foresight and possibility.
What do I need to do to get into the writing of the blog posts as regular practice?
I need to get all the other stuff out of the way, and that is what this is for, that is what this whole experience is for to understand and to know that there is resistance in me which will come out on the page if I don’t break it down first.
And I can break it down. Actually, I cannot break it down. The universe can break it down, as I allow the universe to work, as I show up with energy and enthusiasm and get out of the way, the universe will break down the resistance, and as the resistance is broken down, the true light of the universe is able to shine through the creation.
And that is the time frame I took in which to write through the resistance this morning.
10
What the world needs now…
Not of my concern what the world needs, of concern only to the universe, what the world actually needs, and when I let the universe work through my fingers I allow the magic of the universe to unfold and become reality.
Allow the universe to unfold and become reality.
Allow the universe to unfold and become reality.
Allow the universe…. am I really allowing the universe to do anything? Or am I simply allowing myself to be a part of the flow of energy, a part of the flow of the universe itself.
No thoughts, bubble mind.
11
Anti-resistance training is not an exercise to do once, it is a lifelong process that allows the universe to come to the forefront of my mind and body, and allows the spirit to work through me. It allows my spirit to truly shine, and my spirit is the same as all the other spirits of people that are out there, we are all one.
Sometimes I fear that I am losing my mind. In fact, I am fairly certain of it. But as I am losing my mind, I am gaining my spirit, and that had been lost for a long period of time. That was something that I had neglected for far too long, and it really is what I am here for. To create, and to share, to be a part of something larger than myself, by completely sharing myself with others.
Sharing is easier with those close to us, but sometimes it is even harder for those of us who are close with each other, because we are afraid. We are afraid to mess up the status quo, especially if the status quo is good and positive. We are afraid to be ourselves if what ourselves are will be different than what we are now. Not better or worse, just different, and if different then things will need to change. And if things need to change there will be a difficult period of time for all involved with everything. There and then we are without. And so within.
I am plagued by delusional thoughts and fears, and I am able to keep them at bay through mindfulness. And allowing the universe to work as it will. How the universe wants to use me is to write, and to create and to share. I am struggling to find a way to do that at work, but I am able to find ways to do it in my spare time. I want my whole life to be part of the constant usefulness of the universe, and not sectioned off to some tiny period of time or life. I want to be completely a part of it, completely a part of the universal working of the world, and furthering the ends that are desired. There is something completely amazing about being alive and being able to create and share.
Sharing is secondary. To create is what I love to do and I want to feel this way as often as possible. To create something from nothing, and to build something up from nowhere, and to share with others how it is possible, and how it is something that we all can and ought to do. Ought is for naught, shoulds can dissolve, but I think it is why we are here, but alas I think, and so it is not known, and if it were known it wouldn’t mean anything anyway.
The brain plays games, and my brain likes to trick me, trick itself. It tricks my body too, with panic attacks. I stay focused by being present, by being here, by being now at all times. Presence is the art of plainness. The art of simplicity comes from being now, and now only.
I am a part of the simple process of expansion that the universe is undergoing. The expansion of the universe is what I am here to take part in, to be a part of. To understand my role is not very important. To take part in my role with energy and enthusiasm is the most important task. I am undermined and devalued in some of my attempts to become one with the universe, and I get in my own way most often times, and I allow others to allow myself to create a mental block around something they are doing. It is always on me though, my mind structures build something out of nothing often times, something negative and not worth my time or effort of life and living.
So I will move on from those things. I can let those structures decompose and return into the bowels of my mind as I build new structures.
The new structures show that the universe is in constant harmony. That everything works toward the benefit of all living things. That there is enough for everyone everywhere, and that there is no need for competition or war. I can take what I need, and that is enough. I can share everything I have, everything I “own” everything I ever will create, and it will be a part of the main, and the whole of the universe. That is the end all purpose. That is the creative life. That is the life I choose to lead, to live, to breathe to be a part of all the time.
Will you join me? Will you knock down your own resistance? Will you leave the prison of your mind and start building the new earth with your being? Will I? I will fail unendingly, and I am okay with that. Continuous improvement is the goal, is the only reality. Practicing what I am set to do on a daily, minute by minute basis is all I am interested in doing. There are other tasks that come to mind, that come to light of which I must be a part, but they are just really working toward some other person’s end or idea of what life should be like. They are not my life goal. I must work within those goals for a period of time while I build the strength to carry my own life and the life of my family.
This process, this writing, this time, right now as I type is building the strength. Allowing the universe to work, unimpeded by my resistance. I can drop more and more resistance, and actually it is the universe that drops the resistance for me, for I can do nothing on my own. I am connected, and it is certain that that is why my life has been a continuous blessing.
12
I am in my glory never. I am in the universe’s glory when I am a vessel to be poured into, open and receiving like water whatever is going to come from the universe to me. I am here, I am ready, I am weak, I am not strong. I don’t know what to do with myself at times. I am not strong at all. I can barely stand, but I am open and ready, ready for what the universe has in store for me.
Whatever that may be, I am ready to receive it, I have been called upon, and I am showing up, I am ready to be a part of whatever it is that I am to be a part of. I don’t know what to call it, I don’t know what it may or may not be, I don’t know what to think about any of it. I don’t know what to think, and that is okay, I am not my mind. I am the being behind my mind. And when I think of it that way, when I understand that that is so, everything else seems to disappear, and it is all fine and good again. I am the being behind all that I say, think, breathe and do.
I am being.
I am one with life.
I am one with the universe.
All the tribulations of my inner and outer body and mind are nothing, but a candle in the wind, and the light of my being is the light of the candle, which the universe allows to be buffeted and blown but not put out yet. I have not been blown out yet for a reason. This is the reason. To create, to share, to let the world know that the light shines within each of us, the universe allows it to be so, the universe makes it so.
I have immediate needs to get to the higher plane. I need to make enough money that I don’t have to worry about making money ever again. I need people in the right place in my life so that I understand that I don’t have to worry about money any more. That will give me freedom to leave where I am in order to pursue my true calling which is just this, to write and create and share with everyone the joy of complete surrender to the universe. It took me months to understand it, but I understand it. It took me to lose my mind, but now I would not get my mind back for anything, for I am at complete peace in the presence of my being. My mind and body are here to serve my being, though both have been turned against being for a long period of time, perhaps too long. I will find out. It doesn’t change my trajectory. It keeps me focused unto the end, for when the end comes, all will be ready, for I am already ready, I just forget sometimes. I just forget that I am already ready. It does make me somewhat sad to those I love and may leave behind whenever I am called home, but I know it is the way of things, and that is the ultimate solace.
The way of life is the life. The way of tao is tao. It is all making sense in my life now, in ways I never thought I could understand it. There is nothing to understand, there is only to be. To be awash in the living of life, every precious moment, without wanting to press pause, rewind or fastforward. Just letting it be, as I let myself be.
The more I let myself be, the greater the change will be for me, the more I let myself allow the universe to work, the more my change will grow, the more my life will abound in blessings and in the world will work toward a greater future, though that is not the goal.
Now is the goal, and the only goal there ever will be. I can make and act on plans, but the only ever time is now, and now alone. There is no other time, it is all a figment of imagination, and my imagination is powerful and so I get caught up quite often in before and after and think that that is reality, when in reality it is only now, it is only and can ever only be now now now..
Presence is my calling, my path, my way forward, my experience is such that I am ever present, ever a part of the same thing that I have always been a part of. There is joy and reassurance in living and in life. There is magic in being present and knowing the presence of present and now.
When my thoughts do wander, I become disconnected from the universe. The thoughts come and try to steal me away, and often times I let them, but here and now I am part of the flow of the universe, not allowing resistance to stop anything in it’s path for love and joy to flow to every person in the world.
What could I possibly be thinking? about love and joy to every person in the world? I am not thinking, I am being, and that is the joy of all of it.
I am about ready to be rid of the resistance practice model and get on with writing to share and think and be with all who are interested, all who may be affected in a positive way with what I write about. There is joy in learning, and there is peace in understanding, but neither one touches the light of being.
13
“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.” Thoreau
My goal is to awaken my dreams, and have my life be lived as if it were my dream. Is that the goal of the universe as well? I believe it is. The universe wants all of my dreams to come true, and is working diligently to make that all happen.
I have work to do in order for the dreams to come true. I have to show up. Every day. No matter what. And do my best. My best may be different every day, but I have to give everything my all all day and night in order to achieve the dreams I want to achieve.
That is the goal. Specifically I want to be worry free when it comes to money. Money and I have never really been on good terms and I want to change that. Money is just a tool, just something that is used as a value holder something that can be manipulated and changed around to do any kind of work. I want to learn to wield that tool and do it well.
I thanked the universe for everything this morning, and again, thank you for everything in my life, whether I see it currently as a blessing or a curse, I thank you for all of it. Seeing blessings and curses is looking at the world through a lense. The reality is it all is what it is, there is no good or bad. What happens is what happens.
14
The resistance can be felt physically, it is there at all times, it is hovering around the outside of all action, waiting to pounce and strangle out the strength of our action and being.
But I am breaking through the resistance. I am breaking through with some willpower, but mostly with the strength of the universe, allowing me to become myself, allowing things to work together and come together in the best way possible. These are growing pains. I am going through growing pains. They are here and they are there and that is the way they go.
To get past growing pains, I just need to grow. And to grow and grow and let it grow, let it grow! There is something special in the exercises I am performing. I am trying to break new ground to get in touch with the universe by allowing the universe to use me completely. To get in touch with my true self, by uncovering all the resistance and excess crap that has come to cover me up.
I have panic attacks when I eat in public. It is not fun. I don’t want to have to go through it any more. I give it up to the universe, allow the universe to take it away from me. Through some miracle of science or space I eat in peace at all times. Because I choose to eat consciously. Not just because it is time to eat, but because I am hungry. And right now, I may not be hungry for a while. My brain is getting itself back, and I am experiencing what is.
When I experience a panic attack, I can stay in the now. I am present and I am with the whole process, I am who I am what I am.
Presence in the face of crisis is a wonderful thing. Trying to carry on a conversation in the middle of a panic attack is not a nice thing.
Get past the panic attacks, breathe deeply. Allow things to move freely, become one with the universe, allow it to move and flow within me. It is inside me and outside me and me. It is everything.
When I realize that the universe is everything I can detach from my self a little bit. If something happens to me, I will still be a part of the universe but in a different way.
I don’t know why the panic attacks come, and I don’t know if I need to know or understand. I want them to stop coming. I want my ears to stop being red. I want my chest to feel normal. I want my muscles to work correctly. I don’t know what I want. → That is not true anymore! I want everything for everyone. I want my family to be calm, close and connected. I am passionate about helping others learn, love and grow. I want to share my talents in art, writing and music. I can learn any skill at any time. I give all my creations away in order to give back.
A “Life Is Fun” party - get together and just hang out. No reason, just hang out together and enjoy each other’s company.
