Nonsense, peaking, and the pull of yesteryear

 And all of this... what matters and what makes a difference. Yes, what does matter, what does make a difference? I couldn't quite tell you.. these things... all of these things.

And now. now indeed. What matters at this point in my life? There are so many things that I do and have done and will do and need to do.

And none of them.... none of them have been fulfilling. But this is not true, because writing, writing directly in and on here, has been a benefit, has been a purpose and a benefit indeed. These things are the start and finish of it all. What matters  has come before and will go after... all of these things. A full screen now. This is what it is.

So, I have diabetes. This sucks. More than sucks, means I have taken terrible care of my health and my body. And I just ate ice cream. Better not to beat myself up? Well, I don't know about that.

Seeing myself as the enemy of myself makes me wear out and miserable. Deciding instead to do what must be done... what would that be? What is the meaning of all of it?

What matters? What makes a difference? What is the meaning?

I don't really know... I really don't know. But that is okay. Okay I suppose... these things. And how I go about these things.... the dog, the dog yes, the dog.

And what matters is what makes a difference, these things are all there is and all there was... it makes no difference, it makes and takes a feeling and an understanding. Where is my mind at these days? It is mostly trying to get the shit out of my head... shake loose the cobwebs, and allow thoughts to flow freely from my mind to the page.

But before I can do that, I need to get rid of the bullshit. This is the bullshit, right here, on this page. 

It is worthless junk pulled from a mind unused to itself and the rest of the world. It is a pile of nonsense flitted through the world in and out of all of it... these things. 

I am icing my back at 230 in the morning writing in here, with the dog asleep on the back porch. That is good, but this is not. One is good but the other is not good. Good and not good, two sides of the same coin... could be seen as the good one is not good and the not good one is good, depending on how I look at and anticipate the future of the situation.

Well now, what do we have here? What am I going to write about now? what makes sense mostly to write about? What is the most worthwhile?

Well, I rarely know what the most worthwhile thing is, but I can certainly write about one or two worthwhile things --> but I am not ready yet. Not yet. I am getting closer to sensical writing, but I am not there yet. I am certainly not there yet. 

And so I will continue meandering and wandering and wondering about and through my mind... through all the nooks and crannies, through and over the rivers and ocean tides of thought... between and over all of it... these are the things.

And now... and now. What and how?

Memories... ah, memories. A terrible way to live out the days of my life. And so, I will make some more and different memories, these things, these things indeed.

And now. Now now now... what matters? What makes a difference here there or everywhere? I really don't know. I really don't know at all. These things are what matter, these things are what makes a difference. And all of it is moving toward something, I suppose. I suppose in the end it is all moving toward something. I am writing my mind out, typing the words and thoughts onto the page, hoping that it will stick and make some sort of difference in and around my life... but what I really mean is, that I hope it will NOT stick, that it will slough off all the bullshit that has clogged my brain for months and years. 

It has been 5 years since the best year of my adult life. Did I peak then? I don't think so, I just think I got off track. 2018 was the year. 2023 could be better... 2023 will in fact be better, will be the best year of my life. And now, it is clear that all of this is what it is for the better and best. and now... And now, indeed.

I am getting a little sleep now. To be expected after having cheese and a large bowl of ice cream, plus it being 242 am in the morning even.

Well, I suppose I shall go back to sleep, but on the couch, and these things will be with and for me... all these things together. And all of them together... I want to be writing more and getting out all of the nonsense, but I must get back to sleep, I must go and tend to the necessities...

Until next time.

Last for the night.

 I drew first blood, I started the pages... I led my way forward and I made the difference in and of all of the things that were and could be. 

The writing makes me sane, by pouring out insanity onto the page, I am left with a mind of reason and intellect. What? I don't know.

But maybe it does make a little sense. Perhaps it does, in its own little way. A perverse kind of sensicalness. These things that sneak up on us out of nowhere, these items that fall away and full release and show the difference of all these things. And all we are trying to say and do... I am large... especially in the belly... and that means I can easily have a heart attack, or a stroke... anything... I could be laid down to rest any day now... but I know what I must do. I know what I must do now... I must... I must... fight against my poor habits, create new and better ones.

This is a beginning - to write daily, to get some words on the page, maybe not toward anything, but just in general, getting words down on the page... these are the things... the things indeed.

The words begin to flow

 Well, I am going to write in here a lot in a minute, but I have to get myself more comfortable... must, and need to eat something too...

Good for now

 Well, this is what it is now... these are the words that I am writing... why did I try to make it something other than what it was? Simply a way to clarify and convey my thoughts.

And what I mean is, why did I try to always level up the blog? It didn't need to change at all... maybe get a dedicated url but other than that, there really was no need for all the attempts at monetization.

And I started to pay money to publish, started to host webpage here and there, paying for hosting... these things.

What makes a difference now?

I don't really know, and I'm not really sure that what I am trying to do will actually be able to be done here.

"These are the things that make a difference in my life: I don't know what."

Let's see how the quote actually looks. 

It looks fine... and these and those and all of this looks just fine. I only need a little time to write what it is all about... and that has come and gone... now I am with what I am with... and these things are acceptable.

It is all nonsense, all of this writing, all of this time spent writing and writing nothing that is good or worthwhile... all of it is as it should and is to be... 

good for now... good for now.